Two Steps Forward...

 First things first - happy #7 to us!  We survived to year 7. Its a lot more challenging that I ever imagined. Time makes it easier, as we mellow with age. I do wish we traveled more and he was more romantic but God knows my needs and I have to trust Him with them.

Mom continues to try my patience. Some days, it's like she is the child with emotional outbursts, insecurities and self loathing.  I realize she is broken and beyond my abilities to heal or console. I pray that Mary Mother will heal her, console her, guide her. I ask that for myself, as well. Some days, I am angry at the fact that I was robbed of a mother. Meaning, deprived of the advice, counsel and love of the woman who gave birth to me. She will never be whole. All I can do is give her to God and ask for His healing of us both. 

Today's issue - she picked all of the tomatoes before the first frost hits. I only asked her to puck what she wanted. Not a lie threatening issue but she cried about doing "something bad" and claims to want to move back to CA.  I won't stop her, if that's what she wants. I just dread that, if she leaves SD, she will regret her decision and want to move back. But I encourage her to make her own decisions and know that I support them. She doesn't know how to do that. She doesn't know how to fail. Odd, since I remember being yelled at for my mistakes. 

Unfinished but published.

Struggles, issues and a prayer to St Francis

 It was 2 years ago last month when  mom moved in with us. Having been "thrown out", she finally decided to put CA and Mary Ann behind her. I feel I moved heaven and earth to get her to South Dakota but there are days (many) when I wonder if that was a mistake. At the time, it seemed like SD was the best place for her. Plus, she didn't have many options and had just lost one - staying with MaryAnn. Now, I realize that having her here may not be the best place for her.  As hard as that is to admit, she is broken beyond what I'm capable of handling. Some days, God forgive me, I hate her - for being so petty, for being so unforgiving, for being so attached to Mary Ann that she would cover and lie for her, refusing to see the lies, abuse and manipulation she was subjected to while she lived with her. 

There are times when I'm convinced she hates me right back, not for how I treat her but for who I am in spite of her. I married a good man. I am happy. I am healthy. I don't depend on her for anything. I try to remain consistent in my attitude and demeanor while she seethes and smolders inside. I will never be the person she wants me to be - subservient to her whims, partaker in her games, groveler at her feet for her approval and affection. Maybe I used to be that way but I've changed and she hates that. Unlike MaryAnn, I allow her "yes" to mean yes and her "no" to mean no; I don't try to make her decisions for her or change her mind on anything. I won't manipulate her to do my bidding nor will I tell her what to do. For whatever reason, that makes her angry with me. I won't do it because I know that game.  It's what they play and, in the end, I lose every time. They are a team, aligned against anyone who would come against them, a lesson I learned a long time ago. And that has made me an outsider. Honestly, I'm ok with that. I'd rather be alone than be a part of someone's wicked games where I am hurt, ridiculed, punished, hen pecked. No, thanks. 

The issue is that mom still lives with us.  After overhearing her phone calls with MaryAnn, I confirmed she talks smack about me and about Joe. That's disappointing, really. All of our efforts to move her here and provide a safe place for her have  gained no appreciation. How sad.  When she asked if Mary Ann had talked to David's son, I knew that meant she is creating another will. Of course she is. She never intended for the state to receive her money. Had this been her plan all along? I doubt it. But I think Mary Ann decided to sway mom on that and get another will. Ugh.  

I'm biding my time and waiting for the right moment to have a frank discussion about all of this. I pray the Holy Spirit will direct this and give me the appropriate words and demeanor to address it. I know I will be painted as the bad guy in her next phone call and I expect that. In the end, though, I believe the best place for her is in CA, within Mary Ann's grasp. I dread the ensuing conversations should she actually leave - the guilt, crying, apologies.  I wish mom would realize that she is safest here but her alliance is with Mary Ann and I can't fight that. I won't fight it. 

And, if it should happen this way, I pray that in the end, I will have peace with this.

Prayer of St Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardoning that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised to eternal life.