Issues

 Mom left us on April 26th. We didn't think it would happen but it did and she is back with Mary Ann. The victim almost always goes back to their abuser, don't they?  We've talked a few times and, apparently, she's happy there. I sense something in her voice but I'm not sure if its apprehension in talking with me or in being there. I guess I can't worry about it.  

So, it has been over 2 months that she has been gone and I'm just now coming to terms with it. Ugh. Over the weekend, I had a bit of a melt down over various things coming to a head.  MY laptop is not working, my fitbit isn't sensing my heart rate- minor things but I blew my lid over it on Sunday and had all but convinced myself that I needed to go back to Peru and live out my life at the orphanage. Hmmm... where did that come from? My counselor, Karlie, helped me understand my need for leaving a legacy, my fear of dying alone and being forgotten. All of that ties back to mom and my feeling of abandonment. Heavy stuff. On top of that, we had a foster cat for a month. She had 4 kittens that I watched grow and became attached to.  They had to go back last week because we're headed to Bellingham this Thursday. I felt AWFUL about leaving mama cat there. My feelings of abandonment reared their ugly head and helped bring me to the edge. It was bad. 

Blizzards and Storms

 As of today, we've just come out of another week of blizzards.  Actually, Wednesday and Thursday kept me home from work due to no travel advisories. I've grown tired of this weather. 2022-2023 has really sucked, weather wise. I don't mind the snow but I could do without the wind. 

A mom update- in December, she told me she's moving back to CA.  Hallelujiah! That's mean, I know but its where she wants to be. It was inevitable, to be honest. I just hope her money lasts until her death. God help her, otherwise.

I'm working with Carr and Parham to get to the bottom of my gut issues. After developing Alopecia and starting to feel tingling in my hands, I panicked. I need to find answers before my illness progresses and affects other parts of my body. 

I also started working with a counselor in Huron. I was in a dark place in December so I reached out to 988. I connected with Jessica who was kind and a good listener. That prompted me to seek further help. Its going well, I think. I've had 4 sessions. Nothing earth shattering but just being able to process out loud with non-biased guidance helps a lot. 

In a few days, I leave for Las Vegas. Time with Shari, Laurie and Monica. I hope it is a good few days. I'm nervous about it though. Nervous about how my gut will handle it, how my body will survive the travel and, hopefully, not get sick, how mom will manage without me, about how we'll all get along together for 3 days and be able to fill the time. I worry too much!

My heart still desires Ezra. I hope and pray he finds parents who will love him. I wish Joe was open to the idea of adopting but maybe its not right for us. With my issues, maybe the timing is wrong. Hard to say but I wish we had a family. 

Work is going well.  Its a quiet time right now which I appreciate. New guy Jake is a welcome sight and a good worker. Plus, his dog Duke is a good stress reliever for me. 

We're officially in Lent. I pray to submit to God's will in all things. Whatever i am called to, I hope I can do so with the grace and dignity of my beloved St Therese. 

Two Steps Forward...

 First things first - happy #7 to us!  We survived to year 7. Its a lot more challenging that I ever imagined. Time makes it easier, as we mellow with age. I do wish we traveled more and he was more romantic but God knows my needs and I have to trust Him with them.

Mom continues to try my patience. Some days, it's like she is the child with emotional outbursts, insecurities and self loathing.  I realize she is broken and beyond my abilities to heal or console. I pray that Mary Mother will heal her, console her, guide her. I ask that for myself, as well. Some days, I am angry at the fact that I was robbed of a mother. Meaning, deprived of the advice, counsel and love of the woman who gave birth to me. She will never be whole. All I can do is give her to God and ask for His healing of us both. 

Today's issue - she picked all of the tomatoes before the first frost hits. I only asked her to puck what she wanted. Not a lie threatening issue but she cried about doing "something bad" and claims to want to move back to CA.  I won't stop her, if that's what she wants. I just dread that, if she leaves SD, she will regret her decision and want to move back. But I encourage her to make her own decisions and know that I support them. She doesn't know how to do that. She doesn't know how to fail. Odd, since I remember being yelled at for my mistakes. 

Unfinished but published.

Struggles, issues and a prayer to St Francis

 It was 2 years ago last month when  mom moved in with us. Having been "thrown out", she finally decided to put CA and Mary Ann behind her. I feel I moved heaven and earth to get her to South Dakota but there are days (many) when I wonder if that was a mistake. At the time, it seemed like SD was the best place for her. Plus, she didn't have many options and had just lost one - staying with MaryAnn. Now, I realize that having her here may not be the best place for her.  As hard as that is to admit, she is broken beyond what I'm capable of handling. Some days, God forgive me, I hate her - for being so petty, for being so unforgiving, for being so attached to Mary Ann that she would cover and lie for her, refusing to see the lies, abuse and manipulation she was subjected to while she lived with her. 

There are times when I'm convinced she hates me right back, not for how I treat her but for who I am in spite of her. I married a good man. I am happy. I am healthy. I don't depend on her for anything. I try to remain consistent in my attitude and demeanor while she seethes and smolders inside. I will never be the person she wants me to be - subservient to her whims, partaker in her games, groveler at her feet for her approval and affection. Maybe I used to be that way but I've changed and she hates that. Unlike MaryAnn, I allow her "yes" to mean yes and her "no" to mean no; I don't try to make her decisions for her or change her mind on anything. I won't manipulate her to do my bidding nor will I tell her what to do. For whatever reason, that makes her angry with me. I won't do it because I know that game.  It's what they play and, in the end, I lose every time. They are a team, aligned against anyone who would come against them, a lesson I learned a long time ago. And that has made me an outsider. Honestly, I'm ok with that. I'd rather be alone than be a part of someone's wicked games where I am hurt, ridiculed, punished, hen pecked. No, thanks. 

The issue is that mom still lives with us.  After overhearing her phone calls with MaryAnn, I confirmed she talks smack about me and about Joe. That's disappointing, really. All of our efforts to move her here and provide a safe place for her have  gained no appreciation. How sad.  When she asked if Mary Ann had talked to David's son, I knew that meant she is creating another will. Of course she is. She never intended for the state to receive her money. Had this been her plan all along? I doubt it. But I think Mary Ann decided to sway mom on that and get another will. Ugh.  

I'm biding my time and waiting for the right moment to have a frank discussion about all of this. I pray the Holy Spirit will direct this and give me the appropriate words and demeanor to address it. I know I will be painted as the bad guy in her next phone call and I expect that. In the end, though, I believe the best place for her is in CA, within Mary Ann's grasp. I dread the ensuing conversations should she actually leave - the guilt, crying, apologies.  I wish mom would realize that she is safest here but her alliance is with Mary Ann and I can't fight that. I won't fight it. 

And, if it should happen this way, I pray that in the end, I will have peace with this.

Prayer of St Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardoning that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised to eternal life.

Dads and Husbands

Originally written on May 4, 2016-

May 3rd marked our 7th month of marriage.  It also happened to be both our dad's birthday.  Seems strange that our dads would share a birthday, doesn't it?  And our moms were born 13 days apart.

I've been thinking about a specific topic that has to do with my dad and now seems like the right time to write about it.

I've often heard it said that women marry men who are like their dads. I always wondered what that would look like, should I ever marry. Now that I have, I can tell you that that saying is very true for me.

My dad grew up on a farm in Texas. I don't know much about his upbringing other than he drove a tractor and he was one of 9 kids. Dad was well liked. He had an easy going personality and I don't think he ever made an enemy. He liked to tinker and work on electronics. He served in the military. Dad was the "cause" of his parents divorce because he believed in doing the right thing (my grandmother was crazy). Regardless, he spent money home to his mom while he was serving, to help her out financially.  I remember my dad always had a smile. I'm told I look like him.  When I was little, dad would pat me on the head and tap my chin when he was happy with me. I don't think he ever spanked me but I do remember one time when he got mad at me. And he was right to do so. 

My husband grew up on a farm in South Dakota. He worked his parents farm until he left for tech school where he honed his love for all things airplane. Joe can fix just about anything . He likes to tinker and is very mechanical. He wanted to join the service but couldn't because of an astigmatism. When his dad had a stroke, Joe left his airplane mechanic job to return to the farm and help out. He bought  land and eventually started his own farming business. Joe is very good to his mom, even though she can't hear him. He calls to check on her and we have her over for lunch on occasion. If something needs fixing, Joe is there. He is a good son. I love his smile. When we first dated, I remember saying something to Joe that he thought was funny. He responded by tapping me under the chin and smiling. Hmmm.

Dad was a short, hispanic man.  Joe is a tall, skinny redhead. The differences end there. My dad was my favorite person. My husband is my favorite person. Thank you God for giving me both. 

Pretty Good So Far

As of today, we're at the tail end of November.  Who knew this year would be as insane as it was. 

To recap:

Coronavirus hit in January.  It "started" in Wuhan, China though there is some discussion about the true origin and date. 

By March, states began to shut down schools and businesses to keep the virus at bay.  In some states, schools never opened again until the new school year. Many businesses never re-opened.  SD  closed for two months.  I stayed home in March then worked from home in April and May.  By June, the state and my job opened back up. 

In July, we went to Montana. Shay graduated from high school and would leave for college in Arizona in August. We were invited to her graduation party in WA but decided to spend time with them in MT instead.  It was wonderful.  We surprised the boys first at Wayne and Rhudi's house. I'll never forget the hug Trace gave me and the look on his face when he realized we were there. Blakely has grown so much. She is very sassy and gorgeous. Davis is tall and has his grown up voice.  Shay is beautiful. It filled my heart to have time with the Millers.

At the end of July, we moved mom in with us. She called in early June to say "they're kicking me out".  Translated - she had gotten on their last nerve and they couldn't take it anymore. Mom and Kelly had gotten into an argument over Kelly's boyfriend about a year prior. That led to them not talking to each other.  At all. Tony took sides.  That led to Mary Ann being in the middle of it all. She reached her boiling point on that fateful June day and said, "Thats it!"  She got Tony to throw out mom's bedding onto the lawn.  I think it started as a scare tactic as he told her he was putting her into a hotel and had called a moving truck to pick up her things.  Defiant, mom called me then went to the neighbor's house where the police were called. When the officers showed up and figured out what had happened, they sided with mom and Tony was made to return her things to her room.  Of course, I was left to make all of the arrangements which I did. 7 weeks later, mom was in SD along with all of her things.  In between then, however, crazy things were happening that mom kept me informed of.  One example - Mary Ann took mom to the bank to get her jewelry but talked her out of transferring her money from B of A to our local bank. She tried to reason with mom that she didn't need to move her money to SD. Um... ok.  I thank God for Laurie who was able to be with mom and help her through this time. She was so good to mom and spent time with her. She is truly my sister. 

Uncle Herman passed away this year. He'd had dementia but Covid restrictions made matters worse for him as he was confined to a home. Poor man. He'd lived a good, long life but still. In the end, he was alone when he passed.  His kids decided to send his ashes down the Rio Grande in Texas. An invite was sent and in September, several first cousins got together to pay respects to this man and the Ortiz family in general. We were able to go to Gonzales, TX for this occasion. I was looking forward mostly to spending time with Nicky, Ricky, Herman, Yoli, Lupe and Anita.  Minus Yoli who is very sick, they were all there.  It felt like time had stood still and I had seen them only yesterday. Being with them reminded me of what true family feels like. The love they have and give is so precious. And Joe fit right in with them. It was a wonderful time. 

November was also presidential election time. What a mess it is! "IS" because its being contested.  Biden won 'though I'm not sure how.  The man has health issues that are visible. There are allegations of corruption and voter fraud being investigated. Only time will tell what will happen in the end and who our president will be. God help us!

The holidays are going to be different.  We just had Thanksgiving, hosting Tom and Mary Jensen, Bruce and Chris, Amy and Greg.  Because of Covid, the high school lunch was canceled. Joe cooked the turkey that was provided by the Jensens.  Pat Taylor stayed home. Season opener was the same.  Fewer hunters. Still, it was good to see the guys who came, even if I don't remember their names. 

The yard has been winterized. We're having unseasonably warm weather which I'll gladly take. But on the verge of December, I think I'm ready for cooler temps and the look of winter. Maybe going dormant will help the virus to go away.

We've managed to stay healthy and alive. God willing, I'll post an update a year from now. 

 

New Year, New Hope

2020 has finally arrived!  Along with it comes significant changes. I sure hope I'm ready for this.

My trip to Mayo resulted in ZERO information. Yes, they couldn't find out what was wrong with me. I continue to have chest and throat tightness, nausea and heart issues yet after numerous tests and doctors, they had no answers for me.  So frustrating! 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  There is a reason Joe came along when he did and I moved to SoDak. If I hadn't come here, I wouldn't have met Julie who referred me to Ron Passmore, a naturopath. On 1/2, I met with him at his Huron office. After explaining the past year, he asked questions and ran tests. It took him 2.5 hours to determine that I have a severe wheat allergy.
The issues I've had turned out to be anaphylaxis - my body's allergic reaction to what it considers toxins which are the proteins found in wheat.

According to Mayo's info on wheat allergies, I've experienced most of what was listed. That floored me! No one else figured that out so for a year, I have had allergic reactions to wheat and never knew it. When I think about how my body has suffered, I cry. My heart has worked very hard to keep the rest of me going. My liver fought to clean out the toxic wheat but got close to quitting.  My stomach leaked the proteins because it couldn't handle it anymore. No wonder I had a heart attack! 

I will have to re-do the way I eat and avoid wheat, oats, rye, barley, quinoa, chia seeds, any product that has wheat protein or derivative.  I feel overwhelmed at the moment but I am determined to give this a try.  I have to get better. I have to heal my body.  I have to get rid of the old way and adapt to a new way of living. Easier said than done but it is possible.  If this is the answer I have searched for, then I must do all I can to change. My life depends on it.