Issues

 Mom left us on April 26th. We didn't think it would happen but it did and she is back with Mary Ann. The victim almost always goes back to their abuser, don't they?  We've talked a few times and, apparently, she's happy there. I sense something in her voice but I'm not sure if its apprehension in talking with me or in being there. I guess I can't worry about it.  

So, it has been over 2 months that she has been gone and I'm just now coming to terms with it. Ugh. Over the weekend, I had a bit of a melt down over various things coming to a head.  MY laptop is not working, my fitbit isn't sensing my heart rate- minor things but I blew my lid over it on Sunday and had all but convinced myself that I needed to go back to Peru and live out my life at the orphanage. Hmmm... where did that come from? My counselor, Karlie, helped me understand my need for leaving a legacy, my fear of dying alone and being forgotten. All of that ties back to mom and my feeling of abandonment. Heavy stuff. On top of that, we had a foster cat for a month. She had 4 kittens that I watched grow and became attached to.  They had to go back last week because we're headed to Bellingham this Thursday. I felt AWFUL about leaving mama cat there. My feelings of abandonment reared their ugly head and helped bring me to the edge. It was bad. 

Blizzards and Storms

 As of today, we've just come out of another week of blizzards.  Actually, Wednesday and Thursday kept me home from work due to no travel advisories. I've grown tired of this weather. 2022-2023 has really sucked, weather wise. I don't mind the snow but I could do without the wind. 

A mom update- in December, she told me she's moving back to CA.  Hallelujiah! That's mean, I know but its where she wants to be. It was inevitable, to be honest. I just hope her money lasts until her death. God help her, otherwise.

I'm working with Carr and Parham to get to the bottom of my gut issues. After developing Alopecia and starting to feel tingling in my hands, I panicked. I need to find answers before my illness progresses and affects other parts of my body. 

I also started working with a counselor in Huron. I was in a dark place in December so I reached out to 988. I connected with Jessica who was kind and a good listener. That prompted me to seek further help. Its going well, I think. I've had 4 sessions. Nothing earth shattering but just being able to process out loud with non-biased guidance helps a lot. 

In a few days, I leave for Las Vegas. Time with Shari, Laurie and Monica. I hope it is a good few days. I'm nervous about it though. Nervous about how my gut will handle it, how my body will survive the travel and, hopefully, not get sick, how mom will manage without me, about how we'll all get along together for 3 days and be able to fill the time. I worry too much!

My heart still desires Ezra. I hope and pray he finds parents who will love him. I wish Joe was open to the idea of adopting but maybe its not right for us. With my issues, maybe the timing is wrong. Hard to say but I wish we had a family. 

Work is going well.  Its a quiet time right now which I appreciate. New guy Jake is a welcome sight and a good worker. Plus, his dog Duke is a good stress reliever for me. 

We're officially in Lent. I pray to submit to God's will in all things. Whatever i am called to, I hope I can do so with the grace and dignity of my beloved St Therese.