Going Home

 Who says you can't go home again? Joe and I have just returned from a trip to Bellingham and it was amazing! I'd go as far as saying it restored me. The traveling days were terribly long but made up for by the friends and family we spent time with. Coming back to SD is hard, always is. My tribe is there and I miss them. 

Shari picked us up from the shuttle stop and brought us to their house for dinner. I got to see Blakely and Trace who have grown so much. I wonder if they still see me the same way they used to. I miss those days. I miss those kids. 

We stayed at Ann's house.  She was very gracious and kind to us. We got the run of the house but were kept in check by guard dog Axl, her 1 yr old Border Collie/Poodle mix. He is a love but a hand full. With little training and no boundaries, he's a wild child, much like Tucker was when I first got him. I was able to work with him a little and find he is very smart but his lack of discipline makes him unruly. The Border Collie in him needs a job. Ann is doing well but seems to have become reclusive.  She chats with neighbors but spends most of her time in the house. I don't think she misses Gene but that her health is waning. I think she looks great for 80 y.o.  She may just miss having company as she really came to life in the week we were there. Although she spend the days in bed, she'd come to life in the afternoon and stay up late cleaning or web surfing. We had our best talks at night, right before I went to bed. She told me she'd love to have me for a daughter. She has become a mom figure for me now. Thank you, God. 

FRIDAY

The first thing we did was hit Starbucks for Joe. He's not a fan, btw. There, I ran into Adriana, my old lifting partner. That was a true surprise! While her looks deceived us both, she looked the same. She is still married to David and has 2 kids.  She seems like a great mom and is still such a good person. 

I tried to track down Susan while she was at school but she left before I could surprise her. 

At 11:30, we went to Dave Richards' house and met with some of the old guys - Carr Lanham, Ruben Baca, Al Jensen, Tim & Bessie Lintz, Melissa Locke and my Amiga Claudia. It was such a lovely time catching up with them. I wish it could've lasted longer but they have lives to live. Dave and Ida have become surrogate parents for me. Their love and acceptance is unconditional. I appreciate their counsel as well. They have a downstairs apartment that they've offered to us. They are very kind. 

Dinner with the Millers that night and a nice visit with Wayne & Rhudi as Shari scrambled to get ready for graduation.  We took the girls for Menchies for yogurt and one on one time. I've said it before, I'll say it again - they're so grown up. 

SATURDAY

We took Axl for a nice long walk in the morning, training him along the way. He needs that to expend his energy. I feel bad that he is in the house all day long with no interaction. He is skittish and that's probably why. 

I was so proud to witness Trace graduate. It was a big day and he made it. The ceremony itself was 1.5hrs which was nice and fast.  After the ceremony, Joe was hungry so we hit Taco Lobo. Still as good as ever. 

Before the party, we went to Sacred Heart for church. I got to talk with Debra Black after mass. It was good to see her, though I didn't recognize her. She is a true warrior, fighting the evils of transgenderism which is big in WA. 

By the time we got back to the Millers, the party was over.  :(   That's ok because we got Miller attention. I'm selfish, I know. 

SUNDAY

I don't remember much of the day but we went to Susan's for dinner that night and got to meet boyfriend Tyler. What a good man and the perfect fit for Susan! She glows with happiness and I am so happy for her. She and I have been through a lot together so it fills my heart to see her know such joy. He is her soulmate, I firmly believe. 

We missed the grand Millers dinner together due to dinner with Susan. That was a bummer. I missed the chaos that is Milhaus. 

MONDAY

Since the grand Millers were headed back to Montana, we went back to their house at 6am this morning and waited. And waited.  The Millers showed up a half hour late thanks to Wayne. I love how Rhudi vents against Wayne. those two have been married 70 years and have lasted through some trials.  Despite their frustrations, they are a testament to marriage. We were able to say good bye to them and Shay before they headed back to Montana.  We also visited Angelika for a short time. She is not doing so well. Being alone and elderly, she is feeble and in pain. She has no one - no family or friends- to keep her company and help her. My heart breaks for her. 

We had dinner with Susan and the Millers Monday night at Jalapenos. The boys came late, left early but it was good to have some time with them. Kurt had had a bad day at work so they were late, too. I still enjoyed it. 

TUESDAY

We hung around the house in the morning and walked Axl. He is such a sweet boy but a bit neurotic. I wish we could spend more time with him and help build up his confidence. He needs interaction with other people and dogs. I will miss him. 

We met the Haskins at Calico Cupboard for lunch. I always enjoy time with them. There is so much going on in their lives yet they are joy filled and have an aura of peace. I'm envious of them, I guess.  They have 5 grand babies and one on the way. I wish that were my life sometimes I know they went through a lot to get there but its worth the fight knowing the outcome. They are struggling with Nehemiah right now which is sad. But they are strong and rooted in their faith. Jesus will see them through. 

We spent the afternoon at Ann's, getting ready to leave. It was precious time. our plan was also to see the Miller kids but got to the house too late; they were all asleep. That was a bummer. 

WEDNESDAY

The trip home is always long and dreaded.  Joe gets cranky and can be hard to be around. He's so easy to love while we're away but when we get home, its back to being stressed and irritable which makes me miss Bellingham that much more. 

   

Issues

 Mom left us on April 26th. We didn't think it would happen but it did and she is back with Mary Ann. The victim almost always goes back to their abuser, don't they?  We've talked a few times and, apparently, she's happy there. I sense something in her voice but I'm not sure if its apprehension in talking with me or in being there. I guess I can't worry about it.  

So, it has been over 2 months that she has been gone and I'm just now coming to terms with it. Ugh. Over the weekend, I had a bit of a melt down over various things coming to a head.  MY laptop is not working, my fitbit isn't sensing my heart rate- minor things but I blew my lid over it on Sunday and had all but convinced myself that I needed to go back to Peru and live out my life at the orphanage. Hmmm... where did that come from? My counselor, Karlie, helped me understand my need for leaving a legacy, my fear of dying alone and being forgotten. All of that ties back to mom and my feeling of abandonment. Heavy stuff. On top of that, we had a foster cat for a month. She had 4 kittens that I watched grow and became attached to.  They had to go back last week because we're headed to Bellingham this Thursday. I felt AWFUL about leaving mama cat there. My feelings of abandonment reared their ugly head and helped bring me to the edge. It was bad. 

Blizzards and Storms

 As of today, we've just come out of another week of blizzards.  Actually, Wednesday and Thursday kept me home from work due to no travel advisories. I've grown tired of this weather. 2022-2023 has really sucked, weather wise. I don't mind the snow but I could do without the wind. 

A mom update- in December, she told me she's moving back to CA.  Hallelujiah! That's mean, I know but its where she wants to be. It was inevitable, to be honest. I just hope her money lasts until her death. God help her, otherwise.

I'm working with Carr and Parham to get to the bottom of my gut issues. After developing Alopecia and starting to feel tingling in my hands, I panicked. I need to find answers before my illness progresses and affects other parts of my body. 

I also started working with a counselor in Huron. I was in a dark place in December so I reached out to 988. I connected with Jessica who was kind and a good listener. That prompted me to seek further help. Its going well, I think. I've had 4 sessions. Nothing earth shattering but just being able to process out loud with non-biased guidance helps a lot. 

In a few days, I leave for Las Vegas. Time with Shari, Laurie and Monica. I hope it is a good few days. I'm nervous about it though. Nervous about how my gut will handle it, how my body will survive the travel and, hopefully, not get sick, how mom will manage without me, about how we'll all get along together for 3 days and be able to fill the time. I worry too much!

My heart still desires Ezra. I hope and pray he finds parents who will love him. I wish Joe was open to the idea of adopting but maybe its not right for us. With my issues, maybe the timing is wrong. Hard to say but I wish we had a family. 

Work is going well.  Its a quiet time right now which I appreciate. New guy Jake is a welcome sight and a good worker. Plus, his dog Duke is a good stress reliever for me. 

We're officially in Lent. I pray to submit to God's will in all things. Whatever i am called to, I hope I can do so with the grace and dignity of my beloved St Therese.