Half a Life

  The song that I thought sang about living half a life is actually about living half alive and doesn't really apply to my current thoughts. Christina Perry was walking away from someone while I'm staying here, living what feels like half a life. 

I'm lucky to have married a truly good man who loves me the best he can. The problem is me. It must be. Why else would I feel like I'm living half a life. So much of the time, I feel like all I do is work at my job then at home. No friends, no social activities, no fun, no one to confide in. Sometimes, I'm ok with that but other times, I ache for something more. I try to make friends but it doesn't happen. So many people have kids or grandkids who are their whole world. I want to do activities but they'd get me home late in the evening which isn't ok with me. I don't have a hobby. I'd like to travel more but Joe isn't always free to do so and traveling alone is no fun. 

Some days this life feels so lonely. I'm desperate for something more but what? Children aren't possible. I tried reaching out to help someone in need and ended up with crazy MAF. I tried volunteering through church and it was ok but, again, I get home late. I don't like driving after dark or in bad weather at night.  Maybe I have too many conditions? Or maybe I'm not as social as I think I am? Sometimes, I tell myself I'm unlikable which I know isn't coming from God. Sometimes, I feel like I'm turning into my mom, who doesn't like herself and has managed to isolate herself from anyone who could care about her.

Joe has a life. He has friends and people he can talk to anytime he wants. I'm jealous of that. But I don't know how to change it so that I"m not constantly hanging onto him, begging for an end to my loneliness. Even when mom was here, I wanted her attention and affection but it rarely came. I know my insecurities come from her. Will I ever be enough?

Sometimes I wish my life were different. A little more glamorous. Surrounded my people who adore me. Had a "cup" that overflowed. What am I missing? Why isn't this life enough?