Tucker

 My memories of Tucker

- a skinny mess

-lived life on a chain

-ruined a brand new purse

-sniffed out treats in a coat pocket behind a closed closed door

-turned into the Tasmanian devil when in a crate

-used to watch me drive to work every morning.

-loved to run on trails

-loved Louie, Sounder and other dogs

-loved rolling on my bed while yipping loudly, mess up the blanket

-never left my side when I was sick

-loudly enjoyed certain foods

-always been a moaner

-loved the snow

-would chase deer out the back door but always return home

-loves farm life

-went to two walk abouts with Maggie, crossing the highway on their way north

-loved to swim Lake Whatcom

-always managed to get other dogs at the dog park to chase him

-went swimming after canada geese on lake what com once. I didn't think he'd ever come back.

-threw my back out once when I was prepping to walk him. Had to call Susan to walk him. 

-loved Fran, Susan and Ann. 

-made the funniest whimpering noises when playing with a squeak toy

My constant companion through it all. I'm so thankful you came into my life. There will never be another Tucker. 

Half a Life

  The song that I thought sang about living half a life is actually about living half alive and doesn't really apply to my current thoughts. Christina Perry was walking away from someone while I'm staying here, living what feels like half a life. 

I'm lucky to have married a truly good man who loves me the best he can. The problem is me. It must be. Why else would I feel like I'm living half a life. So much of the time, I feel like all I do is work at my job then at home. No friends, no social activities, no fun, no one to confide in. Sometimes, I'm ok with that but other times, I ache for something more. I try to make friends but it doesn't happen. So many people have kids or grandkids who are their whole world. I want to do activities but they'd get me home late in the evening which isn't ok with me. I don't have a hobby. I'd like to travel more but Joe isn't always free to do so and traveling alone is no fun. 

Some days this life feels so lonely. I'm desperate for something more but what? Children aren't possible. I tried reaching out to help someone in need and ended up with crazy MAF. I tried volunteering through church and it was ok but, again, I get home late. I don't like driving after dark or in bad weather at night.  Maybe I have too many conditions? Or maybe I'm not as social as I think I am? Sometimes, I tell myself I'm unlikable which I know isn't coming from God. Sometimes, I feel like I'm turning into my mom, who doesn't like herself and has managed to isolate herself from anyone who could care about her.

Joe has a life. He has friends and people he can talk to anytime he wants. I'm jealous of that. But I don't know how to change it so that I"m not constantly hanging onto him, begging for an end to my loneliness. Even when mom was here, I wanted her attention and affection but it rarely came. I know my insecurities come from her. Will I ever be enough?

Sometimes I wish my life were different. A little more glamorous. Surrounded my people who adore me. Had a "cup" that overflowed. What am I missing? Why isn't this life enough?

3 Steps Forward ...

 I'd like to think that, after years of counseling, I have my sh*t together.  I figured ME out and I was better. Sadly, I would be lying to myself if I believed that.  Three years of living with mom had the opposite affect from what I had hoped for. I was hoping for acknowledgment, I got attitude. I was hoping to be seen, I got her move back to CA.  When she left in April 2023, I assumed it would signal huge relief.  And it did for a little while. Until I crashed and fell back into rejection and abandonment. I got back into counseling to process these feelings and get built back up. It helped, until Karlie moved away. 

Our initial conversations were likely meant to convince herself (or me?) that it was a good decision and she felt welcomed and loved there. My skepticism was intact as I believed it would deteriorate in time. 

I was right! 

At first, it was great!  They loved on her, bought her flowers, "gave" her an expensive dog.  It took about a year before she started to complain. Her jewelry started to go missing. She gave them $26,000 to help with the retaining wall in the back yard. She discovered they're taking $500 out of her bank account every month for "rent".  She never leaves the house. Sometimes she cries when she calls. Nothing new, I know. She also acknowledges this was her decision and she has to live with it. She wants to go to Costa Rica but she's afraid to tell MA this. Apparently, MA doesn't think it's a good idea as it's too far and mom's too sick.  We think it's that MA doesn't want to part with mom's money.  Of course, MA won't fly there with her so she looks to me to take her. MA is too busy and mom doesn't want to bother her by asking. This irritates me as MA is retired and has nothing but free time yet I'm the one who can be inconvenienced. Ugh!

Also, about 3 months ago, she called to let me know she had been in the hospital for a week due to water on her heart. She isn't sure of the diagnosis but has to take pills given to her daily by MA. I suspect it's congestive heart failure but no one will tell me for sure.  Some days, she sounds fine, other days she sounds weak. 

The week of Kelly' birthday, mom went to her house to spent a few days so MA and Tony could go on vacation. By the end of her time there she was not happy. Go figure. She said Kelly was good to her but James kept looking at her funny and made her feel uncomfortable. She said she will never spent the night there again. I kinda chuckle when I think that she is making life miserable for them. After all, they created that monster. 

Laurie gets married in September. I made the mistake of encouraging Laurie to invite Mom.  I never thought she'd want to go but she does.  And, of course we'll have to drive her to and from the wedding as MA can't be bothered. Not even if mom paid her? I wonder.  Anyway, mom will need a nice dress for the occasion which I told her to find.  Initially, I wanted to order her one so she'd feel good about herself. I figured if I found her a dress she liked, then she might like me. That thought didn't occur to me at first. My counselor pointed that out to me, as well as that I'm still looking for acknowledgment.  Ugh. When will that ever end? When will I be secure enough to not need their affirmation or attention?  

Going Home

 Who says you can't go home again? Joe and I have just returned from a trip to Bellingham and it was amazing! I'd go as far as saying it restored me. The traveling days were terribly long but made up for by the friends and family we spent time with. Coming back to SD is hard, always is. My tribe is there and I miss them. 

Shari picked us up from the shuttle stop and brought us to their house for dinner. I got to see Blakely and Trace who have grown so much. I wonder if they still see me the same way they used to. I miss those days. I miss those kids. 

We stayed at Ann's house.  She was very gracious and kind to us. We got the run of the house but were kept in check by guard dog Axl, her 1 yr old Border Collie/Poodle mix. He is a love but a hand full. With little training and no boundaries, he's a wild child, much like Tucker was when I first got him. I was able to work with him a little and find he is very smart but his lack of discipline makes him unruly. The Border Collie in him needs a job. Ann is doing well but seems to have become reclusive.  She chats with neighbors but spends most of her time in the house. I don't think she misses Gene but that her health is waning. I think she looks great for 80 y.o.  She may just miss having company as she really came to life in the week we were there. Although she spend the days in bed, she'd come to life in the afternoon and stay up late cleaning or web surfing. We had our best talks at night, right before I went to bed. She told me she'd love to have me for a daughter. She has become a mom figure for me now. Thank you, God. 

FRIDAY

The first thing we did was hit Starbucks for Joe. He's not a fan, btw. There, I ran into Adriana, my old lifting partner. That was a true surprise! While her looks deceived us both, she looked the same. She is still married to David and has 2 kids.  She seems like a great mom and is still such a good person. 

I tried to track down Susan while she was at school but she left before I could surprise her. 

At 11:30, we went to Dave Richards' house and met with some of the old guys - Carr Lanham, Ruben Baca, Al Jensen, Tim & Bessie Lintz, Melissa Locke and my Amiga Claudia. It was such a lovely time catching up with them. I wish it could've lasted longer but they have lives to live. Dave and Ida have become surrogate parents for me. Their love and acceptance is unconditional. I appreciate their counsel as well. They have a downstairs apartment that they've offered to us. They are very kind. 

Dinner with the Millers that night and a nice visit with Wayne & Rhudi as Shari scrambled to get ready for graduation.  We took the girls for Menchies for yogurt and one on one time. I've said it before, I'll say it again - they're so grown up. 

SATURDAY

We took Axl for a nice long walk in the morning, training him along the way. He needs that to expend his energy. I feel bad that he is in the house all day long with no interaction. He is skittish and that's probably why. 

I was so proud to witness Trace graduate. It was a big day and he made it. The ceremony itself was 1.5hrs which was nice and fast.  After the ceremony, Joe was hungry so we hit Taco Lobo. Still as good as ever. 

Before the party, we went to Sacred Heart for church. I got to talk with Debra Black after mass. It was good to see her, though I didn't recognize her. She is a true warrior, fighting the evils of transgenderism which is big in WA. 

By the time we got back to the Millers, the party was over.  :(   That's ok because we got Miller attention. I'm selfish, I know. 

SUNDAY

I don't remember much of the day but we went to Susan's for dinner that night and got to meet boyfriend Tyler. What a good man and the perfect fit for Susan! She glows with happiness and I am so happy for her. She and I have been through a lot together so it fills my heart to see her know such joy. He is her soulmate, I firmly believe. 

We missed the grand Millers dinner together due to dinner with Susan. That was a bummer. I missed the chaos that is Milhaus. 

MONDAY

Since the grand Millers were headed back to Montana, we went back to their house at 6am this morning and waited. And waited.  The Millers showed up a half hour late thanks to Wayne. I love how Rhudi vents against Wayne. those two have been married 70 years and have lasted through some trials.  Despite their frustrations, they are a testament to marriage. We were able to say good bye to them and Shay before they headed back to Montana.  We also visited Angelika for a short time. She is not doing so well. Being alone and elderly, she is feeble and in pain. She has no one - no family or friends- to keep her company and help her. My heart breaks for her. 

We had dinner with Susan and the Millers Monday night at Jalapenos. The boys came late, left early but it was good to have some time with them. Kurt had had a bad day at work so they were late, too. I still enjoyed it. 

TUESDAY

We hung around the house in the morning and walked Axl. He is such a sweet boy but a bit neurotic. I wish we could spend more time with him and help build up his confidence. He needs interaction with other people and dogs. I will miss him. 

We met the Haskins at Calico Cupboard for lunch. I always enjoy time with them. There is so much going on in their lives yet they are joy filled and have an aura of peace. I'm envious of them, I guess.  They have 5 grand babies and one on the way. I wish that were my life sometimes I know they went through a lot to get there but its worth the fight knowing the outcome. They are struggling with Nehemiah right now which is sad. But they are strong and rooted in their faith. Jesus will see them through. 

We spent the afternoon at Ann's, getting ready to leave. It was precious time. our plan was also to see the Miller kids but got to the house too late; they were all asleep. That was a bummer. 

WEDNESDAY

The trip home is always long and dreaded.  Joe gets cranky and can be hard to be around. He's so easy to love while we're away but when we get home, its back to being stressed and irritable which makes me miss Bellingham that much more. 

   

Issues

 Mom left us on April 26th. We didn't think it would happen but it did and she is back with Mary Ann. The victim almost always goes back to their abuser, don't they?  We've talked a few times and, apparently, she's happy there. I sense something in her voice but I'm not sure if its apprehension in talking with me or in being there. I guess I can't worry about it.  

So, it has been over 2 months that she has been gone and I'm just now coming to terms with it. Ugh. Over the weekend, I had a bit of a melt down over various things coming to a head.  MY laptop is not working, my fitbit isn't sensing my heart rate- minor things but I blew my lid over it on Sunday and had all but convinced myself that I needed to go back to Peru and live out my life at the orphanage. Hmmm... where did that come from? My counselor, Karlie, helped me understand my need for leaving a legacy, my fear of dying alone and being forgotten. All of that ties back to mom and my feeling of abandonment. Heavy stuff. On top of that, we had a foster cat for a month. She had 4 kittens that I watched grow and became attached to.  They had to go back last week because we're headed to Bellingham this Thursday. I felt AWFUL about leaving mama cat there. My feelings of abandonment reared their ugly head and helped bring me to the edge. It was bad. 

Blizzards and Storms

 As of today, we've just come out of another week of blizzards.  Actually, Wednesday and Thursday kept me home from work due to no travel advisories. I've grown tired of this weather. 2022-2023 has really sucked, weather wise. I don't mind the snow but I could do without the wind. 

A mom update- in December, she told me she's moving back to CA.  Hallelujiah! That's mean, I know but its where she wants to be. It was inevitable, to be honest. I just hope her money lasts until her death. God help her, otherwise.

I'm working with Carr and Parham to get to the bottom of my gut issues. After developing Alopecia and starting to feel tingling in my hands, I panicked. I need to find answers before my illness progresses and affects other parts of my body. 

I also started working with a counselor in Huron. I was in a dark place in December so I reached out to 988. I connected with Jessica who was kind and a good listener. That prompted me to seek further help. Its going well, I think. I've had 4 sessions. Nothing earth shattering but just being able to process out loud with non-biased guidance helps a lot. 

In a few days, I leave for Las Vegas. Time with Shari, Laurie and Monica. I hope it is a good few days. I'm nervous about it though. Nervous about how my gut will handle it, how my body will survive the travel and, hopefully, not get sick, how mom will manage without me, about how we'll all get along together for 3 days and be able to fill the time. I worry too much!

My heart still desires Ezra. I hope and pray he finds parents who will love him. I wish Joe was open to the idea of adopting but maybe its not right for us. With my issues, maybe the timing is wrong. Hard to say but I wish we had a family. 

Work is going well.  Its a quiet time right now which I appreciate. New guy Jake is a welcome sight and a good worker. Plus, his dog Duke is a good stress reliever for me. 

We're officially in Lent. I pray to submit to God's will in all things. Whatever i am called to, I hope I can do so with the grace and dignity of my beloved St Therese. 

Two Steps Forward...

 First things first - happy #7 to us!  We survived to year 7. Its a lot more challenging that I ever imagined. Time makes it easier, as we mellow with age. I do wish we traveled more and he was more romantic but God knows my needs and I have to trust Him with them.

Mom continues to try my patience. Some days, it's like she is the child with emotional outbursts, insecurities and self loathing.  I realize she is broken and beyond my abilities to heal or console. I pray that Mary Mother will heal her, console her, guide her. I ask that for myself, as well. Some days, I am angry at the fact that I was robbed of a mother. Meaning, deprived of the advice, counsel and love of the woman who gave birth to me. She will never be whole. All I can do is give her to God and ask for His healing of us both. 

Today's issue - she picked all of the tomatoes before the first frost hits. I only asked her to puck what she wanted. Not a lie threatening issue but she cried about doing "something bad" and claims to want to move back to CA.  I won't stop her, if that's what she wants. I just dread that, if she leaves SD, she will regret her decision and want to move back. But I encourage her to make her own decisions and know that I support them. She doesn't know how to do that. She doesn't know how to fail. Odd, since I remember being yelled at for my mistakes. 

Unfinished but published.