It has been far too long since I last wrote here. While life is the same, some things have changed.
A few weeks ago, I went to CA to get mom. She is staying with us for 6 months, if not longer. I have to find a way to convince her to stay. Living with Mary Ann is to toxic. Mom has less migraines here and seems happier but I know she misses my sister. Those two have a strange bond, one that I will never understand. I guess its more like Satan has a grasp on mom and won't let go without a fight. That grasp keeps her in the dark and living in fear. I am afraid of the damage that it does to her.
While I was in CA, I met Tony, Monica, Estrelita, Renato and Laurie for dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Oh my gosh! It was the best time. Eating and laughing and talking with friends whom I consider family was so wonderful, especially since I haven't made solid friends in SD yet. I know that will take time. But these people of mine are my tether, my siblings. While Maureen was still alive, I clung to that friendship and neglected these. I see now how significant they are to me and how blessed I am to have their voices of reason and their strength behind me.
I have been with GFP for 10 months now and I am so happy there. I am blessed to have been given the chance to work there. I am learning a lot and I work with really good guys. It is the kind of job i had hoped to find out here. Another answered prayer.
Joe and I celebrated our third year of marriage very quietly. He sent me beautiful roses. I flew out the next day to get mom. While learning to live with each other has been difficult, I know Joe loves me and that he is the best man I could ever hope for. He is God's answer to my years of prayer.
I had hoped that we could have a baby together but it doesn't seem to be a part of God's plan, sadly. I even went to a fertility specialist who couldn't promise me anything but gave me hope. I prayed about it A LOT but got no answer. Well, at least not the answer that i wanted. It is now something I am trying to make peace with as I submit to God's will.
I have always been a believer in fate and that all things happen for a reason. I'm writing this tonight just a few hours before I leave for Avera heart hospital. It seems my heart is sick so I am going there to help it get better. I had no idea that I had any health issues until recently when I began to feel pressure on my neck and sternum. What started out as a quick doctor appointment led to a trip to the ER and and EKG that showed troponin was leaking into my blood. This is an indication of a heart attack and heart damage. I still can't wrap my head around that. I feel fine but I know, intuitively that something is wrong. I guess I have known all along for at least a week but I tried to power through it. The cardiologist, Kevin Vaska has assured me that I will be fine once he determines what's going on. All I can do is hope and pray that it will be.
Until next time, when I hope to return with a happier heart...
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Saturday, January 13, 2018
The Big 5-0
Yep, I said it! I am 50! Gads, I never thought this day would come but come, it did.
I have to admit that it has been good so far. I took the day off from work and spent half the day in pajamas. I did NOTHING! I'm ok with that.
MY farmer, my love, took me to the Redline for dinner and drinks with friends. I was surprised! I ate too much and drank too much but, what the heck, this day will only come once in my lifetime.
I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for a community who came out in the cold winter night to celebrate me. I'm thankful that, at 50 years, I am healthy and happy and still don't have to color over my gray hair. I'm thankful for friends near and far who wish me well.
Thank you, God, for giving me this good life.
I have to admit that it has been good so far. I took the day off from work and spent half the day in pajamas. I did NOTHING! I'm ok with that.
MY farmer, my love, took me to the Redline for dinner and drinks with friends. I was surprised! I ate too much and drank too much but, what the heck, this day will only come once in my lifetime.
I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for a community who came out in the cold winter night to celebrate me. I'm thankful that, at 50 years, I am healthy and happy and still don't have to color over my gray hair. I'm thankful for friends near and far who wish me well.
Thank you, God, for giving me this good life.
Six months with Mom
Written April 10, 2017
The decision to have mom live with us was 18 months in the making. I had thought she would come out much sooner than she had but it would be almost a year from the time we were married to when she decided to come to SD. Circumstances being what they were at Mary Ann's house were what pushed mom to decide she was ready to give it a try.
As with any new relationship, this one had its challenges. Mom's shyness kept her from getting to know Joe. Her hurts prevented her from relaxing and enjoying the SD experience. She fussed about too many things and picked apart all that she could, especially Joe's words. It was frustrating to hear her complaints about him. She even commented (several times) that if I wanted to divorce him it would be ok. What??? I thank God that I had gone through counseling and reached a place where I understood her fears and could reason with her. Otherwise, I might have left him to appease her. All of her comments came from her deep seated fear. Much like the child in me that needed to be talked with, I had to see and talk with her in the same manner. Rationale must be thrown out the window at times like those. No longer are we having a conversation between two grown ups. I became a mother soothing her child.
I am thankful that reason prevailed so that at the end of her time here, she had let her guard down and was able to embrace Joe for the character that he is. She learned to love and appreciate who he is - a sarcastic farmer with a heart of gold. My hope is that when she looks back on her time here, she will realize that she was safe and that she will carry that knowledge with her wherever she goes.
The decision to have mom live with us was 18 months in the making. I had thought she would come out much sooner than she had but it would be almost a year from the time we were married to when she decided to come to SD. Circumstances being what they were at Mary Ann's house were what pushed mom to decide she was ready to give it a try.
As with any new relationship, this one had its challenges. Mom's shyness kept her from getting to know Joe. Her hurts prevented her from relaxing and enjoying the SD experience. She fussed about too many things and picked apart all that she could, especially Joe's words. It was frustrating to hear her complaints about him. She even commented (several times) that if I wanted to divorce him it would be ok. What??? I thank God that I had gone through counseling and reached a place where I understood her fears and could reason with her. Otherwise, I might have left him to appease her. All of her comments came from her deep seated fear. Much like the child in me that needed to be talked with, I had to see and talk with her in the same manner. Rationale must be thrown out the window at times like those. No longer are we having a conversation between two grown ups. I became a mother soothing her child.
I am thankful that reason prevailed so that at the end of her time here, she had let her guard down and was able to embrace Joe for the character that he is. She learned to love and appreciate who he is - a sarcastic farmer with a heart of gold. My hope is that when she looks back on her time here, she will realize that she was safe and that she will carry that knowledge with her wherever she goes.
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