Our First Year

We hit the first milestone of our married life together - we made it through the first year.  I wish I could say it was easy but there were a lot of growing pains that we suffered through.  During this time, I learned a lot about farming, being a wife and being unemployed.  Each has their pluses and minuses. I think the greatest lessons learned were about being Joe's wife.

I've heard many people say never go to bed angry with your spouse. I can't say I abided by that, especially early on.  There were times when I didn't want to argue about an issue anymore and just tried to sleep it off. Then, one night, we had a heartfelt discussion on this topic and I learned how leaving an issue unresolved truly affected Joe. He lost a lot of sleep worrying about my frame of mind and whether or not I would return to WA.  At that moment, I knew I needed to change that behavior and keep communication going until an issue was resolved. Nothing was worth losing sleep over.

A few months ago, we had an incident involving a gun and our wedding portrait.  Needless to say, our picture survived but has a big scar.  I remember taking several deep breaths before I spoke to him as I didn't want to say anything I would later regret. After all, no one was hurt and its only a picture. But, I said my peace, calmly and the subject was dropped. In the meantime, I had left banana bread in the oven a bit longer than was needed and it came out of the oven looking very dark brown. Not my finest bread by any means. Rather than commenting on it, Joe kissed me on the forehead and cut himself a slice. That day, we both learned about the value of grace.

We spent a few days in Deadwood in June. Joe was relaxed and around family.  Even though our time there was short, I was reminded how much I enjoy being around him.  He is fun, funny, lively. He is the kind of person that people like to have around. When he is harvesting, I don't get to see much of him so this was a much needed reminder of one of the reasons I married him.

When there were issues with mom and her living arrangements, he was supportive and encouraging about having her live with us. I'm not sure how many men would want their MILs living with them but he did. And when his mom is in need of help with something, he doesn't hesitate to assist. When I am sick and unable to get out of bed, he takes care of me while worrying about me. Yep, he is that kind of man.

Joe is no saint. He has his moods, especially when something goes wrong out in the field. Most times I don't get his sense of humor and his sarcasm usually annoys me but, he has a good heart and is very well intentioned. He would move heaven and earth for me if I asked. While I am not sure what our life will look like at the 5 or 10 year mark, I know without a doubt, we will reach those together.  He is my person.

What If

The South Dakota State Fair is going on right now.  It's only right that we should go on this day - our 11 month anniversary.  After all, it is the reason that I came to SD two years ago, thanks to an invitation by a farmer who lived in the middle of nowhere.

Wow, two years.  It hardly seems possible that my life could have changed so much in that short amount of time.  But, change it did! Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I hadn't decided to tour the midwest in 2014.  What if I went to MN but stayed there with Margo instead of hitting the road? Or what if I would have turned down Joe's offer to meet and go to the fair with him?  Or what if I had never gone to Ireland? And what if Maureen was still alive?

I don't like to spend too much time dwelling on What If.  I'd rather believe that this is where I am meant to be and everything happens for a reason. Because the truth is that I will never know what would have happened and, in the end, it doesn't really matter anyway.

What Marriage Is Really Like

I stole this from Scary Mommy's blog site.  I thought it was worth remembering. 


To be married, partnered, or in any long-term relationship, you must forget every romantic movie you have ever seen and accept the fact that you are binding yourself to someone who will know all of your flaws and who will sometimes point them out to you.

My husband is not one to show his love with flowers, or chocolates, or fancy jewelry. But every Sunday night he cooks the most amazing meal, whether it’s big pots of chili verde, smoked ribs, French onion soup, roasted vegetables, or homemade apple crisp. He usually starts with marinating things in the morning, and the process lasts all day long. By dinnertime, with every bite, I know how much he loves me.

Here are few other things that I have realized about marriage over the years:

Marriage is sitting reluctantly through a documentary about gold-mining, but not impaling yourself with the remote control.

Marriage is someone reminding you that you’ll feel better if you go out and exercise, even when you’re pretty sure you’ll feel better if you eat a donut.

Marriage is sometimes flipping someone off after they turn around.

Marriage is anticipating the exact Monty Python quote that is appropriate for any situation, even if you’ve never seen Monty Python.

Marriage is trying not to talk about the kids when you are out on a date, but failing.

Marriage is remembering the story of how you got there and telling the story badly at dinner parties.

Marriage is jumping out and scaring the crap out of someone for fun.

Marriage is being in a social situation and having someone who can perfectly time the eye-roll that you are feeling.

Marriage is getting really hot while cuddling, but lying there for a little bit longer anyway.

Marriage is stopping yourself from saying, “I told you so,” when youreally, really want to.

Marriage is making chicken soup happen.

Marriage is walking together down a street you’ve never been on before, when it’s raining, and you finally find a pub, and you realize that there is no other person you’d rather be with.

Marriage is being wrong—a lot—and having someone tell you about it.

Marriage is forgetting about all of the times you had to get up and find the butter.

Marriage is arguing about taxes.

Marriage is being up together in the middle of the night a lot—kids puking, loud sounds, stolen covers, bad dreams, snoring.

Marriage is that one night when the kids are staying at their grandparents’ house, and you can do anything you wanted. And you end up ordering burritos, watching Netflix, and passing out on the couch.

Marriage is saying mean things and immediately hoping that they can forgive you.

Marriage is being able to anticipate a future—gray hair, wrinkly butts, velour tracksuits, shocking your grandchildren with dirty jokes, and side-by-side Barcaloungers.

And finally, marriage is believing in this other person—really believing in them—even though you’ve seen them dance naked.

Marriage is letting go of all the expectations of what you think marriage should be. Marriage is imperfect, stinky, and prone to bouts of silence. But it’s also knowing that someone is legally required to laugh at your jokes and scratch that spot you can’t reach on your back.

The Farmer's life

Nine months ago, I married a farmer. Before I met Joe, I didn't know any real farmers so I had no idea what I was in for.

Farmers are definitely society's unsung heroes. Unless you have lived this life, there is no way to know what their job involves. For Joe, it means getting up with the sun to feed cows. It's planting crops, killing weeds, fertilizing fields, fixing equipment, combining and sometimes, delivering cow babies. It is also making hay bales, euthanizing sick cows (which then need to be buried), moving the herd from one pasture to another, loading then hauling cattle to the vet, picking rocks so planting can be done and moving/mending fences. It's about working in the worst conditions Mother Nature can throw out.  It could be ten degrees below zero and Joe still has to go. Recently, he was cutting hay in over 90 degree heat on a tractor that has no cab. He works when the wind blows 40+mph, chasing calves that need to be vaccinated or doing whatever else needs to be done. And if he gets sick, he still works. Then harvest comes which brings a whole new set of rules and responsibilities along with it. Farming doesn't take a holiday although his duties are tapered in the off season.

There are days when Joe leaves early in the morning. He will come home for lunch and dinner but his day doesn't end until the sun goes down. Sometimes, he comes home bruised and cut by calves that don't want their shots. This summer, he has come home tanned or burned, hot and tired. It takes him a while to cool off once he is home especially if he forgets his sunscreen. As hard as his days can be, there isn't anything I can do to help except be happy to see him when he finally comes home for the night. I may not always show it, but I am.

Love Letter to my Husband

The stress of day to day life on a farm can weigh heavy on any man's shoulders. And they do on those of my farmer. He works without thanks in a variety of conditions that range from one extreme to the other. And it is work that can't be put off or avoided. It takes a toll on him. I see it but there is nothing I can do to alleviate it.

But this weekend, he gave us a gift - time away from the farm. For three and a half days. I didn't realize how much we both needed it until we were away. His concern for the farm may not have left him but the weight was a little bit lighter. 

During that time, I saw the twinkle in his eyes that was there when we first met and his look, normally hardened by sun and wind, was softer. His smile was not only seen but also heard and felt. His laugh gives me goose bumps, like a school girl when her crush first notices her. He has a strong but gentle touch; one that tells me he would never hurt me but would remove any threat that came at me. To be close to him is to know true intimacy - where two hearts beat as one, two minds meld. It is a bond that most married people strive to attain and many singles wish for.   

Our time was made up of talks about nothing in particular; of holding hands. exchanging glances, little assuring touches that remind us that we are for each other. Nothing significant or special but much needed to keep our lives intertwined. It was about listening to live music, strolling the streets of Deadwood, visiting family and telling stories of life on the prairie. 

But time is a thief and before I knew it, we were headed back home. Its depressing and sad for me to think about returning to the farm, only because I know what that means for Joe. He is going from sun up to sun down and comes home so tired. And our time together is limited which makes me miss him. This is the life I have been lead to. I love my husband and will do all I can to support him and grow our marriage while quietly longing for more weekends like this one where we didn't have a care in the world and could just be. 


On a side note, during our dating season, Joe would write me poems. They were short and silly but always brought a smile to my face.  On our drive home, to pass the time, Joe asked me to write him a love letter. I haven't yet and struggle to find the words to tell him how much he means to me. Instead, we played Hangman. It was the perfect way to end this trip and leave me with a wonderful memory.

Winds of Change

As of this month,  I've been in South Dakota for seven months. It seems like a lifetime ago when Joe and I got married and I relocated.  I should be used to this place by now but every day is so different from the one before.  People in CA used to say that if you didn't like the weather, give it a minute and it will change.  That seems to be very true in South Dakota.

My home in California was in the desert and there were only two season - mild (winter) and hot (summer).  It was very dry and hot during summer with temps reaching 100s. Even though it was a "dry heat", it was hot! There were few rain showers in the winter.  December gave no guarantee from the heat. I remember several Christmases spent indoors with the A/C going. Everywhere you looked, you saw brown - the hills, the sky, the roads. Flowers and trees gave much needed color but never seemed to last. The one constant were the palm trees. They never changed except in height.

In Washington, winter was cold but a good jacket and warm boots usually got me through it. We never got more snow than we could handle but always enough to enjoy. Yes, it rains there. A lot. But the payoff came in spring when flowers were in bloom from February through October. Everything imaginable comes to life as if with the flip of a switch. Summer was probably the best season, minus about a week's worth of really hot days. Homes didn't usually have A/C as the heat was always tolerable. Ceiling and window fans were enough to get me through the worst days.  Fall was postcard worthy. Autumn colors in Washington rivaled any East Coast town and you could literally watch your garden go to sleep ahead of winter.

From what I've seen so far, SD is very different from either state. 2015's winter was "mild" compared to previous winters which are known for long stretches of sub zero temps and many feet of snow.  Still, it was very cold. Fields had been harvested and turned brown for the season. But there is a very distinct shift when spring hits. As if out of nowhere, grass came back to life and was knee high before my first allergic sneeze. I am amazed at how lush the farm has become in only a matter of weeks. Farm equipment is brought out of storage as farmers prepare for planting. Jack rabbits, coyotes, skunks, badgers and even toads come out of hiding and are busy doing what they do. We've had several lightning storms that are beyond description. I have never seen a lightning bolt crack the sky like they do here. A town 70 miles away can be seen clearly during a storm. Its crazy. Over the past few weeks, though, we've had some really nice days with temps in the 70s. The morning sky is a beautiful blue and the warmth feels like you're sitting outside wrapped up in a favorite blanket. I look forward to more days like these so I can be outside and work in the garden. I know there are more ahead and I'm so ready for them.

Six months down

I think the person who said, “Marriage is easy” has never worked on a project with their spouse. The past few months have been about house projects which are really tests in patience and selflessness.

Since I moved here, the basement has been a catch all for everything from furniture to tools to farm parts. It will be a living space one day but much needs to be done before then. The house was built three years ago and Joe has managed to finish the main floor. He works on the basement in his spare time. Then, I come along and begin to crack the whip on finishing it. Poor guy!

Our most recent task was painting the basement and putting up the ceiling. I couldn’t help with the ceiling but I was very ready to paint. Maybe I’m weird but I like painting. I like the look of freshly painted walls and the feeling of accomplishment once you’re done. Since I had repainted the inside of my Bellingham home, I like to think that I know what I’m doing.

Enter my other half, who also has painting experience doesn't really like to do it. He has his way of painting and I have mine. And the two are very different. Choosing a color wasn’t bad, once we agreed white and dark colors weren’t options. I picked out several color chips that I liked and he chose one. As for the painting, we both tried to be trimmers and rollers, working in our own areas of the basement but found it was less frustrating if he trimmed while I rolled.

The recurring thought I had throughout this experience is based on a comment from my friend, Margot Hird. Marriage is about giving up - my ways of doing things, my selfishness, my ideas of what I want. Its about finding what works for us both and remembering that my life is no longer about me. Having lived on my own for so long, this has been and will likely continue to be a huge struggle. But, in the midst of our head butting, I need to remember that God brought me a man who loves me and I am called to do the same, no matter what.

The good thing about that is there is no rush to figure us out. We’ve got at least 40+ years, God willing.

A Blind Eye

Some days, I wonder why I ended up in South Dakota. I know its because of Joe but I wonder if there is a greater purpose for being here. I am having a hard time understanding this place and the mentality of the people who live here.

A few weeks ago, we ran into Joe's cousin who told us he found a den of baby coyotes on his property. He then told us how he killed each of them and even had a chuckle about it. Just the thought turned my stomach. Residents here are raised to kill vermin like coyote, raccoon, skunk, deer, rabbit, etc. If it disrupts the business then it gets shot. If it eats property, it gets shot. If it crosses the street, it gets shot. I don't understand it.

Tonight, we were at a bar in Cavour. A kid named Justin walked in with a man. It was obvious both had been drinking by the way they staggered in and began to talk to the patrons. Justin tried talking to the man next to me then we struck up a conversation. He couldn't have been 21 yet he was drunk and there to do more drinking while on his way to Huron. Sadly, he was the more sober of the two so he would be driving.

As Joe and I left, I asked if we should let the local sheriff know Justin would be heading to Huron. I was told that it was best to not get involved. The sheriff wasn't called and Justin and friend may or may not make it home tonight.

There is a cultural aspect about this place that I just don't understand. How is it possible that a group of adults can sit around and talk about the latest gossip yet refuse to get involved in an incident regarding the fodder of that gossip? Case in point: during the last snow, a woman put her car into a ditch... several different times. Few stopped to help the woman and get her back on the road yet several talked about it later that morning, about how they saw her or helped get her back on the road. When she crashed her car into someone's gate, the sheriff was finally called out. Why not sooner? Because no one wanted to get involved.

Basically, a kid will get into his truck and drive away drunk and that's his business. And if he gets into an accident? Hurts himself? Kills someone? That will be the topic of discussion at coffee. Period.

I don't understand.

Can't Go Home Again?

Recently, I returned to Bellingham for a friend's surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, Joe wasn't able to come with me so this was my first time off the farm and without the farmer in four months. Even though I had lived my whole life without him, it felt weird. More than that, I was pretty nervous about going back.

Being there touched a raw nerve as I realized just how much I miss Bellingham. I miss my friends, family, home, gym and work. I miss the trees, the proximity of stores & coffee shops and the ease of seeing anyone I wanted, any time. I even miss the weather. I had taken all of these for granted while I lived there and that reality hit me hard.

At first, I didn't want to go back to BPD because I was afraid I would want my job back. I also didn't want to meet the woman who was hired to replace me and, truth be told, I was determined to not like her, if I had. (I know, I know.) Thankfully, Christine Paulson forced my hand so I went. Going back was easier than I thought. In some ways, it felt like I had never left. It was great to see everyone again and I walked away from there knowing the new girl will take care of my PD family.

I was really nervous about returning to my gym, JD Elite Fitness. I even had knots in my stomach the night before. But going back couldn't have gone any more smooth. I was able to get in three killer work outs and left feeling good but sore for having gone. In fact, it was gym boss and friend, Danielle Stevenson who made going back so painless. And at the end of my third work out, she reminded me that JD will always be my safe place, my sanctuary. I like that.

I am grateful for time I was able to spend with friends. Whether it was hanging with the Boldens, playing with the Miller kids or lunch, coffee or a movie, that time filled me in a very unexpected way. Between the wedding prep and moving plans, I think I forgot to savor the moments like these. Four months ago, I didn't realize I wouldn't be right down the street from everything I knew. I assumed I could have it all and Joe. I didn't think anything would change, despite the big changes that were occurring. Hello, reality!

This new life really is a brand new chapter for me. That doesn't mean I have to close out the last chapters in order to be here. Instead, it means that when I have the opportunity to go back to WA, CA or wherever people I love are, I have to savor every moment, every visit, every hug.

SD So Far

Until recently, I've been very fortunate to have experienced mild weather. When I meet new people, (which happens everywhere we go cuz Joe knows everyone), they all ask the same question - "how do you like it here so far?" I usually say I'm adjusting to the cold which always gets a laugh.

I have heard from many people that -20 is common for winter, that this winter has been unusual and that these temps normally last months. Luckily, I have only seen a small handful of below zero days so far but we're expected to get several more over the next week. Maybe I just need to get acclimated but I can't help but wonder how people live here! Joe, for example, gets up every morning at 6 and, regardless of the temps, goes out to feed the cows. When he comes back home, his face is ice cold. His layers keep him fairly warm and protected, thank goodness, but still.

I grew up in southern CA where winter meant a few days of rain and temps in the 70s. If we wanted snow, we went to the mountains. I can even remember really warm Christmases, with temps in the 80s and a/c on full blast.

Moving to Bellingham 15 years ago must have been God's way of preparing me for SD winters. There, I got to experience single digit winters and nor'easter winds. Although I wasn't there for the "silver thaw" of the 90s, I had never lived in such a cold place. Until now.

Thank goodness for REI online!