It has been far too long since I last wrote here. While life is the same, some things have changed.
A few weeks ago, I went to CA to get mom. She is staying with us for 6 months, if not longer. I have to find a way to convince her to stay. Living with Mary Ann is to toxic. Mom has less migraines here and seems happier but I know she misses my sister. Those two have a strange bond, one that I will never understand. I guess its more like Satan has a grasp on mom and won't let go without a fight. That grasp keeps her in the dark and living in fear. I am afraid of the damage that it does to her.
While I was in CA, I met Tony, Monica, Estrelita, Renato and Laurie for dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Oh my gosh! It was the best time. Eating and laughing and talking with friends whom I consider family was so wonderful, especially since I haven't made solid friends in SD yet. I know that will take time. But these people of mine are my tether, my siblings. While Maureen was still alive, I clung to that friendship and neglected these. I see now how significant they are to me and how blessed I am to have their voices of reason and their strength behind me.
I have been with GFP for 10 months now and I am so happy there. I am blessed to have been given the chance to work there. I am learning a lot and I work with really good guys. It is the kind of job i had hoped to find out here. Another answered prayer.
Joe and I celebrated our third year of marriage very quietly. He sent me beautiful roses. I flew out the next day to get mom. While learning to live with each other has been difficult, I know Joe loves me and that he is the best man I could ever hope for. He is God's answer to my years of prayer.
I had hoped that we could have a baby together but it doesn't seem to be a part of God's plan, sadly. I even went to a fertility specialist who couldn't promise me anything but gave me hope. I prayed about it A LOT but got no answer. Well, at least not the answer that i wanted. It is now something I am trying to make peace with as I submit to God's will.
I have always been a believer in fate and that all things happen for a reason. I'm writing this tonight just a few hours before I leave for Avera heart hospital. It seems my heart is sick so I am going there to help it get better. I had no idea that I had any health issues until recently when I began to feel pressure on my neck and sternum. What started out as a quick doctor appointment led to a trip to the ER and and EKG that showed troponin was leaking into my blood. This is an indication of a heart attack and heart damage. I still can't wrap my head around that. I feel fine but I know, intuitively that something is wrong. I guess I have known all along for at least a week but I tried to power through it. The cardiologist, Kevin Vaska has assured me that I will be fine once he determines what's going on. All I can do is hope and pray that it will be.
Until next time, when I hope to return with a happier heart...
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Saturday, January 13, 2018
The Big 5-0
Yep, I said it! I am 50! Gads, I never thought this day would come but come, it did.
I have to admit that it has been good so far. I took the day off from work and spent half the day in pajamas. I did NOTHING! I'm ok with that.
MY farmer, my love, took me to the Redline for dinner and drinks with friends. I was surprised! I ate too much and drank too much but, what the heck, this day will only come once in my lifetime.
I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for a community who came out in the cold winter night to celebrate me. I'm thankful that, at 50 years, I am healthy and happy and still don't have to color over my gray hair. I'm thankful for friends near and far who wish me well.
Thank you, God, for giving me this good life.
I have to admit that it has been good so far. I took the day off from work and spent half the day in pajamas. I did NOTHING! I'm ok with that.
MY farmer, my love, took me to the Redline for dinner and drinks with friends. I was surprised! I ate too much and drank too much but, what the heck, this day will only come once in my lifetime.
I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for a community who came out in the cold winter night to celebrate me. I'm thankful that, at 50 years, I am healthy and happy and still don't have to color over my gray hair. I'm thankful for friends near and far who wish me well.
Thank you, God, for giving me this good life.
Six months with Mom
Written April 10, 2017
The decision to have mom live with us was 18 months in the making. I had thought she would come out much sooner than she had but it would be almost a year from the time we were married to when she decided to come to SD. Circumstances being what they were at Mary Ann's house were what pushed mom to decide she was ready to give it a try.
As with any new relationship, this one had its challenges. Mom's shyness kept her from getting to know Joe. Her hurts prevented her from relaxing and enjoying the SD experience. She fussed about too many things and picked apart all that she could, especially Joe's words. It was frustrating to hear her complaints about him. She even commented (several times) that if I wanted to divorce him it would be ok. What??? I thank God that I had gone through counseling and reached a place where I understood her fears and could reason with her. Otherwise, I might have left him to appease her. All of her comments came from her deep seated fear. Much like the child in me that needed to be talked with, I had to see and talk with her in the same manner. Rationale must be thrown out the window at times like those. No longer are we having a conversation between two grown ups. I became a mother soothing her child.
I am thankful that reason prevailed so that at the end of her time here, she had let her guard down and was able to embrace Joe for the character that he is. She learned to love and appreciate who he is - a sarcastic farmer with a heart of gold. My hope is that when she looks back on her time here, she will realize that she was safe and that she will carry that knowledge with her wherever she goes.
The decision to have mom live with us was 18 months in the making. I had thought she would come out much sooner than she had but it would be almost a year from the time we were married to when she decided to come to SD. Circumstances being what they were at Mary Ann's house were what pushed mom to decide she was ready to give it a try.
As with any new relationship, this one had its challenges. Mom's shyness kept her from getting to know Joe. Her hurts prevented her from relaxing and enjoying the SD experience. She fussed about too many things and picked apart all that she could, especially Joe's words. It was frustrating to hear her complaints about him. She even commented (several times) that if I wanted to divorce him it would be ok. What??? I thank God that I had gone through counseling and reached a place where I understood her fears and could reason with her. Otherwise, I might have left him to appease her. All of her comments came from her deep seated fear. Much like the child in me that needed to be talked with, I had to see and talk with her in the same manner. Rationale must be thrown out the window at times like those. No longer are we having a conversation between two grown ups. I became a mother soothing her child.
I am thankful that reason prevailed so that at the end of her time here, she had let her guard down and was able to embrace Joe for the character that he is. She learned to love and appreciate who he is - a sarcastic farmer with a heart of gold. My hope is that when she looks back on her time here, she will realize that she was safe and that she will carry that knowledge with her wherever she goes.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Our First Year
We hit the first milestone of our married life together - we made it through the first year. I wish I could say it was easy but there were a lot of growing pains that we suffered through. During this time, I learned a lot about farming, being a wife and being unemployed. Each has their pluses and minuses. I think the greatest lessons learned were about being Joe's wife.
I've heard many people say never go to bed angry with your spouse. I can't say I abided by that, especially early on. There were times when I didn't want to argue about an issue anymore and just tried to sleep it off. Then, one night, we had a heartfelt discussion on this topic and I learned how leaving an issue unresolved truly affected Joe. He lost a lot of sleep worrying about my frame of mind and whether or not I would return to WA. At that moment, I knew I needed to change that behavior and keep communication going until an issue was resolved. Nothing was worth losing sleep over.
A few months ago, we had an incident involving a gun and our wedding portrait. Needless to say, our picture survived but has a big scar. I remember taking several deep breaths before I spoke to him as I didn't want to say anything I would later regret. After all, no one was hurt and its only a picture. But, I said my peace, calmly and the subject was dropped. In the meantime, I had left banana bread in the oven a bit longer than was needed and it came out of the oven looking very dark brown. Not my finest bread by any means. Rather than commenting on it, Joe kissed me on the forehead and cut himself a slice. That day, we both learned about the value of grace.
We spent a few days in Deadwood in June. Joe was relaxed and around family. Even though our time there was short, I was reminded how much I enjoy being around him. He is fun, funny, lively. He is the kind of person that people like to have around. When he is harvesting, I don't get to see much of him so this was a much needed reminder of one of the reasons I married him.
When there were issues with mom and her living arrangements, he was supportive and encouraging about having her live with us. I'm not sure how many men would want their MILs living with them but he did. And when his mom is in need of help with something, he doesn't hesitate to assist. When I am sick and unable to get out of bed, he takes care of me while worrying about me. Yep, he is that kind of man.
Joe is no saint. He has his moods, especially when something goes wrong out in the field. Most times I don't get his sense of humor and his sarcasm usually annoys me but, he has a good heart and is very well intentioned. He would move heaven and earth for me if I asked. While I am not sure what our life will look like at the 5 or 10 year mark, I know without a doubt, we will reach those together. He is my person.
I've heard many people say never go to bed angry with your spouse. I can't say I abided by that, especially early on. There were times when I didn't want to argue about an issue anymore and just tried to sleep it off. Then, one night, we had a heartfelt discussion on this topic and I learned how leaving an issue unresolved truly affected Joe. He lost a lot of sleep worrying about my frame of mind and whether or not I would return to WA. At that moment, I knew I needed to change that behavior and keep communication going until an issue was resolved. Nothing was worth losing sleep over.
A few months ago, we had an incident involving a gun and our wedding portrait. Needless to say, our picture survived but has a big scar. I remember taking several deep breaths before I spoke to him as I didn't want to say anything I would later regret. After all, no one was hurt and its only a picture. But, I said my peace, calmly and the subject was dropped. In the meantime, I had left banana bread in the oven a bit longer than was needed and it came out of the oven looking very dark brown. Not my finest bread by any means. Rather than commenting on it, Joe kissed me on the forehead and cut himself a slice. That day, we both learned about the value of grace.
We spent a few days in Deadwood in June. Joe was relaxed and around family. Even though our time there was short, I was reminded how much I enjoy being around him. He is fun, funny, lively. He is the kind of person that people like to have around. When he is harvesting, I don't get to see much of him so this was a much needed reminder of one of the reasons I married him.
When there were issues with mom and her living arrangements, he was supportive and encouraging about having her live with us. I'm not sure how many men would want their MILs living with them but he did. And when his mom is in need of help with something, he doesn't hesitate to assist. When I am sick and unable to get out of bed, he takes care of me while worrying about me. Yep, he is that kind of man.
Joe is no saint. He has his moods, especially when something goes wrong out in the field. Most times I don't get his sense of humor and his sarcasm usually annoys me but, he has a good heart and is very well intentioned. He would move heaven and earth for me if I asked. While I am not sure what our life will look like at the 5 or 10 year mark, I know without a doubt, we will reach those together. He is my person.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
What If
The South Dakota State Fair is going on right now. It's only right that we should go on this day - our 11 month anniversary. After all, it is the reason that I came to SD two years ago, thanks to an invitation by a farmer who lived in the middle of nowhere.
Wow, two years. It hardly seems possible that my life could have changed so much in that short amount of time. But, change it did! Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I hadn't decided to tour the midwest in 2014. What if I went to MN but stayed there with Margo instead of hitting the road? Or what if I would have turned down Joe's offer to meet and go to the fair with him? Or what if I had never gone to Ireland? And what if Maureen was still alive?
I don't like to spend too much time dwelling on What If. I'd rather believe that this is where I am meant to be and everything happens for a reason. Because the truth is that I will never know what would have happened and, in the end, it doesn't really matter anyway.
Wow, two years. It hardly seems possible that my life could have changed so much in that short amount of time. But, change it did! Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I hadn't decided to tour the midwest in 2014. What if I went to MN but stayed there with Margo instead of hitting the road? Or what if I would have turned down Joe's offer to meet and go to the fair with him? Or what if I had never gone to Ireland? And what if Maureen was still alive?
I don't like to spend too much time dwelling on What If. I'd rather believe that this is where I am meant to be and everything happens for a reason. Because the truth is that I will never know what would have happened and, in the end, it doesn't really matter anyway.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
What Marriage Is Really Like
I stole this from Scary Mommy's blog site. I thought it was worth remembering.
To be married, partnered, or in any long-term relationship, you must forget every romantic movie you have ever seen and accept the fact that you are binding yourself to someone who will know all of your flaws and who will sometimes point them out to you.
My husband is not one to show his love with flowers, or chocolates, or fancy jewelry. But every Sunday night he cooks the most amazing meal, whether it’s big pots of chili verde, smoked ribs, French onion soup, roasted vegetables, or homemade apple crisp. He usually starts with marinating things in the morning, and the process lasts all day long. By dinnertime, with every bite, I know how much he loves me.
To be married, partnered, or in any long-term relationship, you must forget every romantic movie you have ever seen and accept the fact that you are binding yourself to someone who will know all of your flaws and who will sometimes point them out to you.
My husband is not one to show his love with flowers, or chocolates, or fancy jewelry. But every Sunday night he cooks the most amazing meal, whether it’s big pots of chili verde, smoked ribs, French onion soup, roasted vegetables, or homemade apple crisp. He usually starts with marinating things in the morning, and the process lasts all day long. By dinnertime, with every bite, I know how much he loves me.
Here are few other things that I have realized about marriage over the years:
Marriage is sitting reluctantly through a documentary about gold-mining, but not impaling yourself with the remote control.
Marriage is someone reminding you that you’ll feel better if you go out and exercise, even when you’re pretty sure you’ll feel better if you eat a donut.
Marriage is sometimes flipping someone off after they turn around.
Marriage is anticipating the exact Monty Python quote that is appropriate for any situation, even if you’ve never seen Monty Python.
Marriage is trying not to talk about the kids when you are out on a date, but failing.
Marriage is remembering the story of how you got there and telling the story badly at dinner parties.
Marriage is jumping out and scaring the crap out of someone for fun.
Marriage is being in a social situation and having someone who can perfectly time the eye-roll that you are feeling.
Marriage is getting really hot while cuddling, but lying there for a little bit longer anyway.
Marriage is stopping yourself from saying, “I told you so,” when youreally, really want to.
Marriage is making chicken soup happen.
Marriage is walking together down a street you’ve never been on before, when it’s raining, and you finally find a pub, and you realize that there is no other person you’d rather be with.
Marriage is being wrong—a lot—and having someone tell you about it.
Marriage is forgetting about all of the times you had to get up and find the butter.
Marriage is arguing about taxes.
Marriage is being up together in the middle of the night a lot—kids puking, loud sounds, stolen covers, bad dreams, snoring.
Marriage is that one night when the kids are staying at their grandparents’ house, and you can do anything you wanted. And you end up ordering burritos, watching Netflix, and passing out on the couch.
Marriage is saying mean things and immediately hoping that they can forgive you.
Marriage is being able to anticipate a future—gray hair, wrinkly butts, velour tracksuits, shocking your grandchildren with dirty jokes, and side-by-side Barcaloungers.
And finally, marriage is believing in this other person—really believing in them—even though you’ve seen them dance naked.
Marriage is letting go of all the expectations of what you think marriage should be. Marriage is imperfect, stinky, and prone to bouts of silence. But it’s also knowing that someone is legally required to laugh at your jokes and scratch that spot you can’t reach on your back.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
The Farmer's life
Nine months ago, I married a farmer. Before I met Joe, I didn't know any real farmers so I had no idea what I was in for.
Farmers are definitely society's unsung heroes. Unless you have lived this life, there is no way to know what their job involves. For Joe, it means getting up with the sun to feed cows. It's planting crops, killing weeds, fertilizing fields, fixing equipment, combining and sometimes, delivering cow babies. It is also making hay bales, euthanizing sick cows (which then need to be buried), moving the herd from one pasture to another, loading then hauling cattle to the vet, picking rocks so planting can be done and moving/mending fences. It's about working in the worst conditions Mother Nature can throw out. It could be ten degrees below zero and Joe still has to go. Recently, he was cutting hay in over 90 degree heat on a tractor that has no cab. He works when the wind blows 40+mph, chasing calves that need to be vaccinated or doing whatever else needs to be done. And if he gets sick, he still works. Then harvest comes which brings a whole new set of rules and responsibilities along with it. Farming doesn't take a holiday although his duties are tapered in the off season.
There are days when Joe leaves early in the morning. He will come home for lunch and dinner but his day doesn't end until the sun goes down. Sometimes, he comes home bruised and cut by calves that don't want their shots. This summer, he has come home tanned or burned, hot and tired. It takes him a while to cool off once he is home especially if he forgets his sunscreen. As hard as his days can be, there isn't anything I can do to help except be happy to see him when he finally comes home for the night. I may not always show it, but I am.
Farmers are definitely society's unsung heroes. Unless you have lived this life, there is no way to know what their job involves. For Joe, it means getting up with the sun to feed cows. It's planting crops, killing weeds, fertilizing fields, fixing equipment, combining and sometimes, delivering cow babies. It is also making hay bales, euthanizing sick cows (which then need to be buried), moving the herd from one pasture to another, loading then hauling cattle to the vet, picking rocks so planting can be done and moving/mending fences. It's about working in the worst conditions Mother Nature can throw out. It could be ten degrees below zero and Joe still has to go. Recently, he was cutting hay in over 90 degree heat on a tractor that has no cab. He works when the wind blows 40+mph, chasing calves that need to be vaccinated or doing whatever else needs to be done. And if he gets sick, he still works. Then harvest comes which brings a whole new set of rules and responsibilities along with it. Farming doesn't take a holiday although his duties are tapered in the off season.
There are days when Joe leaves early in the morning. He will come home for lunch and dinner but his day doesn't end until the sun goes down. Sometimes, he comes home bruised and cut by calves that don't want their shots. This summer, he has come home tanned or burned, hot and tired. It takes him a while to cool off once he is home especially if he forgets his sunscreen. As hard as his days can be, there isn't anything I can do to help except be happy to see him when he finally comes home for the night. I may not always show it, but I am.
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