This month makes my 1 year anniversary since I had my heart attack. Hard to believe that all happened a year ago. And although I think I should be celebrating this milestone, Joe and I are currently in Minnesota, waiting for my MAYO appointment. I got tired of my symptoms showing up whenever they felt like it. Also, there's a nodule on my thyroid that may need to be taken care of so I'm done messing around. I hope and pray that, by the time we head back home, I will know exactly what's wrong and how it will be made better.
I dread thinking about any tests that need to be run or blood drawn or even the possible biopsy that I may need. But, I am calm about this visit. I have a peace about it that can only come from God. I'm not afraid of what may be and I'm ready for the healing that will come at the end of this trip.
Fingers crossed.
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Saturday, April 27, 2019
The Failed Op
Welp, I went in for my GI procedures yesterday. We left home at 8 and hit snow in Dell Rapids. It was light, thank goodness.
The first test, a form of medieval torture, involved pushing a 50cm probe (read: long ass mo-fo) through my nose and down my throat into my stomach. I'm not ashamed to say I gagged and cried. Once it was in, I had to lie down and receive 10 squirts of saline that would monitor my swallowing. Ever try to not swallow when you're told to? Its not easy. Once I swallowed the saline, I had to withhold swallowing for 30 seconds so the computer could capture the saline traveling down. A lifetime later, I got to expel that horrible thing. I never want to do that again.
We waited for an hour before the next test which I skipped to happily. It involved sedation! The nurses took Joe and I to a room where I got the good "Vs"- an IV and a TV. The nurses who prepped me were great. I would have gladly gotten 10 IVs put in my arm over that crappy probe. They came for me at 12:45. I was wheeled into an op room that looked like an office. There must have been 8 ladies waiting for me - nurses, techs, anesthestiologists and the Dr who stood about 4'10, 90 lbs. She was very nice and explained that she would attach a capsule to my esophagus that would monitor any acid reflux for 3 days. Cool, right? I tried to chat with them but the sedation kicked in quick. I said,' Here comes the juice!" LOL! That's all I remember.
A "short time" later, I woke up in recovery. There was a man in a bed next to me who kept asking for more drugs. A male nurse tried offering me ice chips but I was out of it. Oh, he also said, "Its 5:30." The procedure should've taken 30min max. When I started to come to, the DR came over and tried to tell me something. "Capsule...trachea...lungs...". I asked for Joe and she said she would talk to him next.
An hour later, I was taken to a recovery room where I finally got to see Joe. He explained that the capsule was put in but came loose and traveled down my trachea and into a lung. DR tried to get it out but couldn't so she called a lung specialist who tried to get it out but couldn't. They had to take me to the E/R, two buildings away. Thankfully they're all connected so I didn't get snowed on.
Once I was ok to be released, I asked for food and got to eat ice cream. My throat is really rough so it was especially good. We were on the road by 7:30. Joe made a quick stop at McDonalds because he hadn't eaten and I had a shamrock shake. We were home by 10.
Needless to say, it was a long day. I can't believe my luck! I have no idea what we'll do next but I'm hoping the first test will give some answers. The tech pointed out a problem in the images she took but left the interpretation to the DR. Joe said DR told him they do a 24 hour test involving that esophagus probe but he told her he was pretty sure that wasn't an option. No way, no how! So, I wait to hear what's next. I was hoping to have a plan by now but I'm not in control and it is what it is. With all of the anesthesia I received, I have to be watched for 16 hours, can't drive, no alcohol.
I'll be home today, catching up on sleep which is hard to do right now. My lungs are full of phlegm, my throat is sore and its hard to breathe. All in all, it could be worse.
The first test, a form of medieval torture, involved pushing a 50cm probe (read: long ass mo-fo) through my nose and down my throat into my stomach. I'm not ashamed to say I gagged and cried. Once it was in, I had to lie down and receive 10 squirts of saline that would monitor my swallowing. Ever try to not swallow when you're told to? Its not easy. Once I swallowed the saline, I had to withhold swallowing for 30 seconds so the computer could capture the saline traveling down. A lifetime later, I got to expel that horrible thing. I never want to do that again.
We waited for an hour before the next test which I skipped to happily. It involved sedation! The nurses took Joe and I to a room where I got the good "Vs"- an IV and a TV. The nurses who prepped me were great. I would have gladly gotten 10 IVs put in my arm over that crappy probe. They came for me at 12:45. I was wheeled into an op room that looked like an office. There must have been 8 ladies waiting for me - nurses, techs, anesthestiologists and the Dr who stood about 4'10, 90 lbs. She was very nice and explained that she would attach a capsule to my esophagus that would monitor any acid reflux for 3 days. Cool, right? I tried to chat with them but the sedation kicked in quick. I said,' Here comes the juice!" LOL! That's all I remember.
A "short time" later, I woke up in recovery. There was a man in a bed next to me who kept asking for more drugs. A male nurse tried offering me ice chips but I was out of it. Oh, he also said, "Its 5:30." The procedure should've taken 30min max. When I started to come to, the DR came over and tried to tell me something. "Capsule...trachea...lungs...". I asked for Joe and she said she would talk to him next.
An hour later, I was taken to a recovery room where I finally got to see Joe. He explained that the capsule was put in but came loose and traveled down my trachea and into a lung. DR tried to get it out but couldn't so she called a lung specialist who tried to get it out but couldn't. They had to take me to the E/R, two buildings away. Thankfully they're all connected so I didn't get snowed on.
Once I was ok to be released, I asked for food and got to eat ice cream. My throat is really rough so it was especially good. We were on the road by 7:30. Joe made a quick stop at McDonalds because he hadn't eaten and I had a shamrock shake. We were home by 10.
Needless to say, it was a long day. I can't believe my luck! I have no idea what we'll do next but I'm hoping the first test will give some answers. The tech pointed out a problem in the images she took but left the interpretation to the DR. Joe said DR told him they do a 24 hour test involving that esophagus probe but he told her he was pretty sure that wasn't an option. No way, no how! So, I wait to hear what's next. I was hoping to have a plan by now but I'm not in control and it is what it is. With all of the anesthesia I received, I have to be watched for 16 hours, can't drive, no alcohol.
I'll be home today, catching up on sleep which is hard to do right now. My lungs are full of phlegm, my throat is sore and its hard to breathe. All in all, it could be worse.
Thursday, October 25, 2018
3 am and answered prayers
It has been far too long since I last wrote here. While life is the same, some things have changed.
A few weeks ago, I went to CA to get mom. She is staying with us for 6 months, if not longer. I have to find a way to convince her to stay. Living with Mary Ann is to toxic. Mom has less migraines here and seems happier but I know she misses my sister. Those two have a strange bond, one that I will never understand. I guess its more like Satan has a grasp on mom and won't let go without a fight. That grasp keeps her in the dark and living in fear. I am afraid of the damage that it does to her.
While I was in CA, I met Tony, Monica, Estrelita, Renato and Laurie for dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Oh my gosh! It was the best time. Eating and laughing and talking with friends whom I consider family was so wonderful, especially since I haven't made solid friends in SD yet. I know that will take time. But these people of mine are my tether, my siblings. While Maureen was still alive, I clung to that friendship and neglected these. I see now how significant they are to me and how blessed I am to have their voices of reason and their strength behind me.
I have been with GFP for 10 months now and I am so happy there. I am blessed to have been given the chance to work there. I am learning a lot and I work with really good guys. It is the kind of job i had hoped to find out here. Another answered prayer.
Joe and I celebrated our third year of marriage very quietly. He sent me beautiful roses. I flew out the next day to get mom. While learning to live with each other has been difficult, I know Joe loves me and that he is the best man I could ever hope for. He is God's answer to my years of prayer.
I had hoped that we could have a baby together but it doesn't seem to be a part of God's plan, sadly. I even went to a fertility specialist who couldn't promise me anything but gave me hope. I prayed about it A LOT but got no answer. Well, at least not the answer that i wanted. It is now something I am trying to make peace with as I submit to God's will.
I have always been a believer in fate and that all things happen for a reason. I'm writing this tonight just a few hours before I leave for Avera heart hospital. It seems my heart is sick so I am going there to help it get better. I had no idea that I had any health issues until recently when I began to feel pressure on my neck and sternum. What started out as a quick doctor appointment led to a trip to the ER and and EKG that showed troponin was leaking into my blood. This is an indication of a heart attack and heart damage. I still can't wrap my head around that. I feel fine but I know, intuitively that something is wrong. I guess I have known all along for at least a week but I tried to power through it. The cardiologist, Kevin Vaska has assured me that I will be fine once he determines what's going on. All I can do is hope and pray that it will be.
Until next time, when I hope to return with a happier heart...
A few weeks ago, I went to CA to get mom. She is staying with us for 6 months, if not longer. I have to find a way to convince her to stay. Living with Mary Ann is to toxic. Mom has less migraines here and seems happier but I know she misses my sister. Those two have a strange bond, one that I will never understand. I guess its more like Satan has a grasp on mom and won't let go without a fight. That grasp keeps her in the dark and living in fear. I am afraid of the damage that it does to her.
While I was in CA, I met Tony, Monica, Estrelita, Renato and Laurie for dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Oh my gosh! It was the best time. Eating and laughing and talking with friends whom I consider family was so wonderful, especially since I haven't made solid friends in SD yet. I know that will take time. But these people of mine are my tether, my siblings. While Maureen was still alive, I clung to that friendship and neglected these. I see now how significant they are to me and how blessed I am to have their voices of reason and their strength behind me.
I have been with GFP for 10 months now and I am so happy there. I am blessed to have been given the chance to work there. I am learning a lot and I work with really good guys. It is the kind of job i had hoped to find out here. Another answered prayer.
Joe and I celebrated our third year of marriage very quietly. He sent me beautiful roses. I flew out the next day to get mom. While learning to live with each other has been difficult, I know Joe loves me and that he is the best man I could ever hope for. He is God's answer to my years of prayer.
I had hoped that we could have a baby together but it doesn't seem to be a part of God's plan, sadly. I even went to a fertility specialist who couldn't promise me anything but gave me hope. I prayed about it A LOT but got no answer. Well, at least not the answer that i wanted. It is now something I am trying to make peace with as I submit to God's will.
I have always been a believer in fate and that all things happen for a reason. I'm writing this tonight just a few hours before I leave for Avera heart hospital. It seems my heart is sick so I am going there to help it get better. I had no idea that I had any health issues until recently when I began to feel pressure on my neck and sternum. What started out as a quick doctor appointment led to a trip to the ER and and EKG that showed troponin was leaking into my blood. This is an indication of a heart attack and heart damage. I still can't wrap my head around that. I feel fine but I know, intuitively that something is wrong. I guess I have known all along for at least a week but I tried to power through it. The cardiologist, Kevin Vaska has assured me that I will be fine once he determines what's going on. All I can do is hope and pray that it will be.
Until next time, when I hope to return with a happier heart...
Saturday, January 13, 2018
The Big 5-0
Yep, I said it! I am 50! Gads, I never thought this day would come but come, it did.
I have to admit that it has been good so far. I took the day off from work and spent half the day in pajamas. I did NOTHING! I'm ok with that.
MY farmer, my love, took me to the Redline for dinner and drinks with friends. I was surprised! I ate too much and drank too much but, what the heck, this day will only come once in my lifetime.
I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for a community who came out in the cold winter night to celebrate me. I'm thankful that, at 50 years, I am healthy and happy and still don't have to color over my gray hair. I'm thankful for friends near and far who wish me well.
Thank you, God, for giving me this good life.
I have to admit that it has been good so far. I took the day off from work and spent half the day in pajamas. I did NOTHING! I'm ok with that.
MY farmer, my love, took me to the Redline for dinner and drinks with friends. I was surprised! I ate too much and drank too much but, what the heck, this day will only come once in my lifetime.
I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for a community who came out in the cold winter night to celebrate me. I'm thankful that, at 50 years, I am healthy and happy and still don't have to color over my gray hair. I'm thankful for friends near and far who wish me well.
Thank you, God, for giving me this good life.
Six months with Mom
Written April 10, 2017
The decision to have mom live with us was 18 months in the making. I had thought she would come out much sooner than she had but it would be almost a year from the time we were married to when she decided to come to SD. Circumstances being what they were at Mary Ann's house were what pushed mom to decide she was ready to give it a try.
As with any new relationship, this one had its challenges. Mom's shyness kept her from getting to know Joe. Her hurts prevented her from relaxing and enjoying the SD experience. She fussed about too many things and picked apart all that she could, especially Joe's words. It was frustrating to hear her complaints about him. She even commented (several times) that if I wanted to divorce him it would be ok. What??? I thank God that I had gone through counseling and reached a place where I understood her fears and could reason with her. Otherwise, I might have left him to appease her. All of her comments came from her deep seated fear. Much like the child in me that needed to be talked with, I had to see and talk with her in the same manner. Rationale must be thrown out the window at times like those. No longer are we having a conversation between two grown ups. I became a mother soothing her child.
I am thankful that reason prevailed so that at the end of her time here, she had let her guard down and was able to embrace Joe for the character that he is. She learned to love and appreciate who he is - a sarcastic farmer with a heart of gold. My hope is that when she looks back on her time here, she will realize that she was safe and that she will carry that knowledge with her wherever she goes.
The decision to have mom live with us was 18 months in the making. I had thought she would come out much sooner than she had but it would be almost a year from the time we were married to when she decided to come to SD. Circumstances being what they were at Mary Ann's house were what pushed mom to decide she was ready to give it a try.
As with any new relationship, this one had its challenges. Mom's shyness kept her from getting to know Joe. Her hurts prevented her from relaxing and enjoying the SD experience. She fussed about too many things and picked apart all that she could, especially Joe's words. It was frustrating to hear her complaints about him. She even commented (several times) that if I wanted to divorce him it would be ok. What??? I thank God that I had gone through counseling and reached a place where I understood her fears and could reason with her. Otherwise, I might have left him to appease her. All of her comments came from her deep seated fear. Much like the child in me that needed to be talked with, I had to see and talk with her in the same manner. Rationale must be thrown out the window at times like those. No longer are we having a conversation between two grown ups. I became a mother soothing her child.
I am thankful that reason prevailed so that at the end of her time here, she had let her guard down and was able to embrace Joe for the character that he is. She learned to love and appreciate who he is - a sarcastic farmer with a heart of gold. My hope is that when she looks back on her time here, she will realize that she was safe and that she will carry that knowledge with her wherever she goes.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Our First Year
We hit the first milestone of our married life together - we made it through the first year. I wish I could say it was easy but there were a lot of growing pains that we suffered through. During this time, I learned a lot about farming, being a wife and being unemployed. Each has their pluses and minuses. I think the greatest lessons learned were about being Joe's wife.
I've heard many people say never go to bed angry with your spouse. I can't say I abided by that, especially early on. There were times when I didn't want to argue about an issue anymore and just tried to sleep it off. Then, one night, we had a heartfelt discussion on this topic and I learned how leaving an issue unresolved truly affected Joe. He lost a lot of sleep worrying about my frame of mind and whether or not I would return to WA. At that moment, I knew I needed to change that behavior and keep communication going until an issue was resolved. Nothing was worth losing sleep over.
A few months ago, we had an incident involving a gun and our wedding portrait. Needless to say, our picture survived but has a big scar. I remember taking several deep breaths before I spoke to him as I didn't want to say anything I would later regret. After all, no one was hurt and its only a picture. But, I said my peace, calmly and the subject was dropped. In the meantime, I had left banana bread in the oven a bit longer than was needed and it came out of the oven looking very dark brown. Not my finest bread by any means. Rather than commenting on it, Joe kissed me on the forehead and cut himself a slice. That day, we both learned about the value of grace.
We spent a few days in Deadwood in June. Joe was relaxed and around family. Even though our time there was short, I was reminded how much I enjoy being around him. He is fun, funny, lively. He is the kind of person that people like to have around. When he is harvesting, I don't get to see much of him so this was a much needed reminder of one of the reasons I married him.
When there were issues with mom and her living arrangements, he was supportive and encouraging about having her live with us. I'm not sure how many men would want their MILs living with them but he did. And when his mom is in need of help with something, he doesn't hesitate to assist. When I am sick and unable to get out of bed, he takes care of me while worrying about me. Yep, he is that kind of man.
Joe is no saint. He has his moods, especially when something goes wrong out in the field. Most times I don't get his sense of humor and his sarcasm usually annoys me but, he has a good heart and is very well intentioned. He would move heaven and earth for me if I asked. While I am not sure what our life will look like at the 5 or 10 year mark, I know without a doubt, we will reach those together. He is my person.
I've heard many people say never go to bed angry with your spouse. I can't say I abided by that, especially early on. There were times when I didn't want to argue about an issue anymore and just tried to sleep it off. Then, one night, we had a heartfelt discussion on this topic and I learned how leaving an issue unresolved truly affected Joe. He lost a lot of sleep worrying about my frame of mind and whether or not I would return to WA. At that moment, I knew I needed to change that behavior and keep communication going until an issue was resolved. Nothing was worth losing sleep over.
A few months ago, we had an incident involving a gun and our wedding portrait. Needless to say, our picture survived but has a big scar. I remember taking several deep breaths before I spoke to him as I didn't want to say anything I would later regret. After all, no one was hurt and its only a picture. But, I said my peace, calmly and the subject was dropped. In the meantime, I had left banana bread in the oven a bit longer than was needed and it came out of the oven looking very dark brown. Not my finest bread by any means. Rather than commenting on it, Joe kissed me on the forehead and cut himself a slice. That day, we both learned about the value of grace.
We spent a few days in Deadwood in June. Joe was relaxed and around family. Even though our time there was short, I was reminded how much I enjoy being around him. He is fun, funny, lively. He is the kind of person that people like to have around. When he is harvesting, I don't get to see much of him so this was a much needed reminder of one of the reasons I married him.
When there were issues with mom and her living arrangements, he was supportive and encouraging about having her live with us. I'm not sure how many men would want their MILs living with them but he did. And when his mom is in need of help with something, he doesn't hesitate to assist. When I am sick and unable to get out of bed, he takes care of me while worrying about me. Yep, he is that kind of man.
Joe is no saint. He has his moods, especially when something goes wrong out in the field. Most times I don't get his sense of humor and his sarcasm usually annoys me but, he has a good heart and is very well intentioned. He would move heaven and earth for me if I asked. While I am not sure what our life will look like at the 5 or 10 year mark, I know without a doubt, we will reach those together. He is my person.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
What If
The South Dakota State Fair is going on right now. It's only right that we should go on this day - our 11 month anniversary. After all, it is the reason that I came to SD two years ago, thanks to an invitation by a farmer who lived in the middle of nowhere.
Wow, two years. It hardly seems possible that my life could have changed so much in that short amount of time. But, change it did! Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I hadn't decided to tour the midwest in 2014. What if I went to MN but stayed there with Margo instead of hitting the road? Or what if I would have turned down Joe's offer to meet and go to the fair with him? Or what if I had never gone to Ireland? And what if Maureen was still alive?
I don't like to spend too much time dwelling on What If. I'd rather believe that this is where I am meant to be and everything happens for a reason. Because the truth is that I will never know what would have happened and, in the end, it doesn't really matter anyway.
Wow, two years. It hardly seems possible that my life could have changed so much in that short amount of time. But, change it did! Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I hadn't decided to tour the midwest in 2014. What if I went to MN but stayed there with Margo instead of hitting the road? Or what if I would have turned down Joe's offer to meet and go to the fair with him? Or what if I had never gone to Ireland? And what if Maureen was still alive?
I don't like to spend too much time dwelling on What If. I'd rather believe that this is where I am meant to be and everything happens for a reason. Because the truth is that I will never know what would have happened and, in the end, it doesn't really matter anyway.
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